A Matter Of Profit
by ChanceXIII
Summary: Modern AU Sanzo didn't really care what they thought or said, he was only doing this to get something out of it. They should know by now that the only matters he had any interest in were matters of profit. Warning: YAOI, LANGUAGE, SEXUAL SITUATIONS
1. Prologue

**A Matter Of Profit**

**(Modern AU)**

**By ChanceXIII **

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki or any of its characters. I'd know if I did because I'd be filthy rich. Life's a bitch.

**Prologue - An Excuse For Testosterone Pumped Monkeys To Hump Each Other**

As he observed the slow revolution of the ceiling fan, vaguely wondering when it was finally going to pick up enough speed to throw off the dirty sock draped over one of it's blades, Sanzo had an epiphany. Laying there, sprawled out on the floor in his oldest, holiest sweats (that he wasn't entirely sure had started out a dull gray), he was hit with a clarity that is rarely achieved in the span of the human lifetime. In the midst of the unusual experience, one thought crashed through Sanzo's brain with all the subtlety of a bowling ball rolled through one's Great Grandmother Eugene's oldest China.

His life was _pathetic_.

Okay, so it wasn't that great as far as epiphanies went, and in all honesty, wasn't even that much of a surprise. But still, the stark inadequacies of his existence had never been so clear as in that moment, watching that smelly, dirty sock cling stubbornly to the rotating blade above him. Yes, most definitely, without a doubt,_PATHETIC_.

As if to add insult to injury, the sock chose that moment to dislodge from its sticky hold on the fan, falling through the air and landing with a disgusting splat against Sanzo's face. Lying still with shock, Sanzo suddenly realized that this wasn't his sock, as he didn't wear shorty ones and he most definitely didn't sweat this much. At least, he hoped not. Gross. He lifted a lazy hand, brushing the sock away, too used to his roommate's lack of hygiene to be truly bothered by it. Just a little guy fluid. No problem. Once you got past the fact it smelled like cornflakes.

His ears were suddenly assaulted, no, practically raped by the chime of that monstrosity Banri liked to call a clock in the corner. It just sounded so, so… _ aged_. Really, who went to their grandmother's funeral (Sanzo hadn't even known Banri knew his mom, let alone his grandmother), and came back with a giant, worn, not to mention broken grandfather clock? Banri had said that it had meant a lot to his grandmother and was a Victorian - or was it Andalu-something? - antique. Frankly, Sanzo doubted it. For one thing, he was pretty sure that the clock was more of a punishment than a gift, and that it had been intended as such by the old hag. Secondly, if it really was that old, it would probably be worth something on some market. And if that were the case, Banri would have pawned it off by now so he could buy that Moped he had been eyeing for a few months.

A Moped. Excuse Sanzo while he gagged. Honestly, couldn't Banri just get a scooter? It would be less expensive and then Sanzo could tell people he was mentally retarded. With a Moped he'd just have to tell them he was stupid. With the retarded excuse, Sanzo would get genuine sympathy for taking the man in as a roommate despite his condition, maybe even get a few favors out of some saps. But with the stupid thing, he'd either get pity, which he could understand but not tolerate, or laughter, which would in turn result in someone going home with a black eye.

Though Sanzo supposed it was partially his fault, what with the whole messing with the breaks in Banri's car thing. But the little dipshit had deserved it after the doorknob stunt. Especially considering who his neighbor was…

Not feeling like getting up, Sanzo rolled over a few times to get a good look at Good Old Fucker Time. Apparently… it was 3:17 in the morning. Yeah right. Maybe in Switzerland. Fishing his cell-phone out of his pocket, he flipped it open and took a quick glance at the screen. 5:14 in the afternoon. That's what he thought. It was now official. That clock was going, whether Banri liked it or not. Sanzo didn't care if he did pay half the rent, that piece of shit was…

Oh wait. That's right. Banri didn't pay half the rent. He wasn't even technically Sanzo's roommate, though Sanzo often forgot considering Banri practically lived here now. The sock on the fan and the underwear strewn about his bedroom floor were proof enough of that. Nope, Banri was just a bum moocher friend that Sanzo had long given up on trying to get rid of. Not that he had never tried. But really, the least the lazy ass could do was pay some boarding and dump that ticking time bomb out the window…

Sanzo decided that the next time he saw Banri, no matter where they were or what they were doing, he was going to hit him. Hard. Preferably in a sensitive area of the body. Just on principle alone, really.

Right as he was working up the energy to lever himself off the floor and see if he had anything to eat around the house, preferably something NOT past its expiration date, his phone began to ring. Eyes widening in horror, he stared down at the small device, the merry notes of Barbie Girl ringing through the room.

…_Banri was going to __**DIE**_.

"When did you touch my phone and what the hell were you high on to change my ring-tone to Barbie Girl, you dick-licking pansy?"

Those were Sanzo's first words upon answering Banri's call, the questions practically spat out, his voice dripping venom. Barbie Girl? Excuse him, how GAY could someone get before they needed a special permit or an enclosed warning?

"Huh?"

_Yup,_ thought Sanzo as he rubbed the skin between his eyebrows, still sprawled across the floor. _That's the ever intelligent Banri I've grown to know and loathe._

"You heard me. Now talk."

"Dude, I never touched your phone, why would I… wait, um, okay, I did touch it once. But I was really in the mood for take out and my last phone got broke when that skank asked me to shove it up…."

"_Banri_. Please. For both our sakes, and the continuation of my sanity, never talk to me about your sex life."

"Wha? …DUDE! I didn't mean it like THAT! Heh. It's actually a really funny story. You see, it all started with that weird blow up manikin they have in front of that goth shop at the mall, you know, the one with the "100 realistic anatomy!" or so they say…"

"Spare me the details. When did your grubby little fingers come in contact with something of mine?"

"Hey man, I only used it to order some of those kick-ass noodles from the Chinese place down the block. I didn't mess with anything, I swear! I know how bitchy you get when people touch shit you think they shouldn't, and believe me, it's not something I would wish down upon anyone."

…Sanzo would ignore that insult, but only because he wanted to know who the hell had corrupted his new cell. Kicking Banri's ass could wait till later, and it wasn't like he really needed a reason to do that.

"Oi, Sanzo, you don't think it was your creepy neighbor again, do you? I mean, I know he busts in out of boofoo fucking nowhere when you're home-"

"Thanks to you removing my doorknob, asshole. I'll never forget that, by the way."

"-yeah, yeah. Whine, whine, bitch, bitch. You had it coming. Anyway, as I was saying, you don't think he's coming in and touching shit when you're not around to stop him, do you?"

Sanzo stayed silent for a moment or two, before opening his contact table and scrolling down. When he came to the name "Hazel Grosse" and it had four little hearts in the rating meter beside it, he let out a long sigh. Why did he always have to attract freaks? First Banri, who he had managed to get used to, he supposed, but now this piece of work?

"You're right, it was that little creep."

"Really? How'd ya tell?"

"You don't want to know."

"Dude, not asking. But really, you should get a restraining order or something. I nearly had a heart attack when he walked in on me taking a shower, thinking it was you-"

"Once again Banri, there really is such a thing as too much information. Please learn the line that is not to be crossed."

"Whatever. But back to my story, ya see this blowup…"

"Banri, what the hell did you call me for?"

"Oh. OH! That's right! Okay man, listen. I know you're not really into it, but there's a football game tonight and-"

"First of all, why is it called football? The ball hardly ever touches their feet. Second, since when have I shown enough school spirit to go to any athletic event? That's easy to answer. Never. And third, who wants to go see a sport that's just an excuse for a bunch of testosterone pumped monkey's to hump each other? I'd rather keep down what little lunch I had."

"-blah, blah, blah. I've heard this all before. But why not? C'mon, you can't tell me you're actually DOING something other than lying on the floor, staring up at your fan for the fifty-millionth time. Get out, the world is a big, beautiful place to be!"

"I prefer my small, crumby world, thank you."

"I'm sure you do, you eternal pessimist. But I really want to go, and it's lame to go alone to something like this. Please."

"You're plotting something but you don't have any money to pay for a ticket, do you?"

"Not a cent on me. And I'm not plotting anything, I just promised I'd give a buddy of mine a ride home after the game."

"No way. You have friends? Holy shit, maybe you're not the total social reject I always thought you were…"

"Ha ha, very funny. But what does that say about you, oh high and mighty one, since you're my friend?"

"That I'm above any worms I might further contact in that dump we call a school, and that you are practically impossible to kill."

"Well that's just… hey. Does that mean you've tried?"

"Not relevant. But why should I go with you to something I won't enjoy, pay for your ticket, and then tolerate your 'buddy' on the ride back?"

"Because, if you go to one of these games, and you bring your student ID, even if you have to pay for the tickets, there are other perks. Man, we are talking FREE FOOD."

"…I'm listening."

"You just go to the concession stand, flash your ID, and BA-BAM! As many hotdogs and nachos as you can shovel down your throat in an hour and a half! So, whadaya say?"

…Had Sanzo mentioned that he hadn't paid the rent yet that month, and he was almost completely out of food? And the tickets only cost two dollars… all you could eat, and for less than he could get even one course anywhere else.

"…When can you pick me up?"

"I'm on my way now, should be about five- uh, make that two minutes. Danm brakes gave out on the big intersection, fucking-"

Sanzo hung up, not really feeling like hearing Banri cuss both him, other drivers, and the car out. Absentmindedly fingering a hole in the left butt-cheek of his sweats, he concluded that a change of clothes might be wise. Preferably something that didn't come within centimeters of revealing his more vital bits.

Picking up a pair of jeans off the floor and sniffing them to see if they were okay for one more use before wash, his earlier epiphany came back to him. _Yes_, he thought as he dropped his sweats to the living room floor, not bothering to pull on underwear before slipping on the jeans.

_Absolutely, Utterly **Pathetic**_.

* * *

It wasn't exactly hard for Sanzo to tell when Banri was getting close to the apartment complex, waiting out on the corner. The sound of screeching tires, blaring horns, and the occasional scream of a pedestrian was pretty much a dead giveaway. That's what happened when a car's breaks gave out and the driver was too broke to get them fixed. But Sanzo swore, if that idiot got himself arrested_again_, Sanzo was so not busting him out of jail this time. In fact, he'd go to the police station, get them to take him to Banri's cell, and he would stand there all night and just laugh at the loser. Maybe taunt him with a bag of Cheetos through the bars, just to really make him suffer.

Banri was such a frequent inmate, Sanzo thought that the cops might let him get away with it. That's what happened when you went to the station so much that you knew all the cops by their first name. Last time he had bailed Banri's ass out, that scruffy one- what was his name, Shuei? - had even been nice enough to give him a doughnut and a cup of coffee. Sanzo liked Shuei, he was cool, not uptight like some of the goody-goodies you found in the police force. Sometimes the man even seemed to get a kick out of Sanzo's stories, especially the ones detailing exactly how Banri had managed to get his ass incarcerated yet again.

Yeah, he was cool. It was too bad his talents were being wasted as a _cop._

Oh well, wasn't Sanzo's place to judge, he supposed. Just as long as Shuei kept cutting the bail amount in half and offering the occasional treat. That was the only reason Sanzo even came to get Banri out anymore.

That, and the dick was the only one who could ever find his keys in the morning.

Lighting up a cig, Sanzo watched with bored eyes as Banri slid around the corner, doing at least fifty, and nearly hitting the old man Jikaku as he straightened out. Freaky old geezer just grinned and waved though, used to Banri and his driving after two years of dealing with it, day after day. Had to give the old man credit, he had some guts. Either that or he was senile. Or maybe at that age, it was only a matter of time before you died, so you didn't much care anymore. Sanzo didn't really give a shit as to which it was, only that the family wouldn't care enough about the death to sue if Banri did happen to hit the geezer one day.

Finally the car slid to a stop in front of him, forced into park while still moving, since that was the only surefire way to get it to stop. Hoping Banri got a serious case of whiplash, Sanzo took his time in straightening up, ambling over to the car at a sedate pace. Wasn't like it was going anywhere, it wouldn't start for a few minutes after that last stunt. Hopping in, he snagged his jeans on the door edge, ripping a hole in his knee even wider. Great, and these were his good jeans too. They only had two holes in them, and they weren't even that big. Well, at least his shirt was in good condition. Mostly.

Looking over at his companion, Sanzo comforted himself in the knowledge that he still looked more presentable than Banri. At least his clothes weren't more closely related to shreds, and definitely weren't covered in oil stains. He must have been trying to figure out what Sanzo did with the breaks again. Too bad he had no idea how cars worked, he might actually stand a chance. Not that it stopped the noob from trying, since it wasn't like he could make the breaks much worse.

"'Sup man?" Banri said, grinning at him in that wicked way of his. Wiggling non existent eyebrows in a suggestive manner (why the hell did the guy shave them? Made him look gayer than Brokeback Mountain…), he thrust a thumb toward the back seat. Twisting around, Sanzo was met with the sight of the "Goth Store's" display blow-up doll. So that's what the bastard looked so smug about. Huh, but Sanzo could see why Banri would be interested in jacking it.

It really did have 100 realistic anatomy.

His roommate really was the biggest pervert in existence. It wasn't enough just to go buy his own blow-up doll, no, he got his rocks off on stealing the display one for his own personal use. Guess he wanted to get his money's worth, even if he hadn't paid for it. Sanzo didn't even want to think of the sick little games Banri might use it for.

He had his own fantasies to occupy his mind. Maybe Banri would let him borrow it sometime. Turning back to the front and crossing his legs, Sanzo shot the seatbelt a look that would normally have been directed toward dog shit, or some other less than desirable substance. No way in hell, seatbelt's were for pussies. If you were stupid enough to cause an accident, or weren't quick enough to avoid one, you could damn well suffer the consequences.

Let it never be said that Sanzo was anything less than compassionate and generous toward his fellow man.

"Are we going or what? I don't want to be caught in the same car as you with the evidence still in the backseat." He was sure the well-known vehicle would get enough second looks at school for their "extra passenger," and Sanzo wasn't keen on collecting more of those than he had to. He had more than enough already, thank you very much. It was like a sort of curse that followed anyone constantly in Banri's close vicinity. His own personal little rain cloud, complete with lightning bolts to strike him down at any given moment.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm goin', just hold your horses princess." Banri snarked back as he turned the key hard, kicking the dashboard a few times. Receiving a complaining groan, Banri just started kicking harder, hoping to knock something into place. That was Banri's universal heal all, kicking stuff. Some people went to the fix-it shop, some had their duck-tape, but Banri had his kicking. Sanzo let it slide though, but only for one reason. He was the one Banri had learned it from.

Lifting up his own legs, he began nailing his side in time with Banri, shaking the bucket of metal back and forth. Finally, through their combined efforts, the metal can on wheels sputtered to life, taking short wheezy breathes that didn't inspire much confidence in it's handling ability. Satisfied that he had done his part, Sanzo laid his feet up on the dashboard, bracing himself for one wild ride.

By the time they pulled into the student parking section, Sanzo was ready to get the hell out of the running deathtrap and never take the ground for granted again. Banri had run five lights, seven stop signs, two pedestrian crossings, and nearly hit three cats, two other moving vehicles, and one little old lady crossing the street. And Sanzo was glad the car hadn't chosen then to stop, cause the cuss words pouring out of that old lady's mouth and the way she had waved that cane didn't bode well. With her dentures nearly flying out from her screams, Sanzo had never seen a more terrifying sight in the rear view mirror. He guessed they were just lucky Banri had outrun the police car that had got on his tail for speeding, otherwise they would both be spending the night in jail. And there wasn't anyone to bust them both out.

Except maybe Banri's mother, but somehow, Sanzo thought there was a better chance of a snowball surviving a night in hell.

But still, he had an image to uphold. Calmly stepping out of the car, he ignored the fact that his hands were shaking as he brought his nearly forgotten cig to his lips. Taking a long drag to cool his nerves, he waited for Banri to turn the car off and get his slow ass out. He was the one that wanted to come, after all.

Finally Banri emerged, tucking his keys into his back pocket and gesturing for Sanzo to lead the way. With a raised brow, Sanzo started toward the stadium entrance, Banri trailing along beside him. He ignored the way other students were practically diving out of their path, and the whispers that trailed along behind him.

Yeah, if he were them, he'd fucking hate himself too. But that was their problem, not his, thank God.

Waiting in the suddenly non-existent line in front of the ticket booth, Sanzo reluctantly fished out a five dollar bill to pay his and Banri's way into the game, tossing it onto the table in front of him. The little snit with the money box didn't even look up before taking the money, ripping off two tickets before opening the box for Sanzo's change. And of course he reached for the dirtiest, ugliest, most wrinkled one dollar bill of the bunch, Sanzo observed, letting out an unhappy growl. It served it's purpose, startling the douche into looking up at exactly who he was serving. Eyes widening, the hand quickly changed it's course, pulling out a crisp, clean dollar bill, the little suck-up even adding a free pop coupon to the mix to make up for the near grievous mistake.

It was good to be feared, Sanzo thought as he took the bill and the coupon, his smirk mirrored by Banri when he turned around. It made high school so much easier to get through when people didn't try to get away with shit. The funny thing was, Sanzo and Banri didn't even have to beat the shit out of some uppity punks to get their reputations, they just looked Ghetto enough that people tended to avoid them. Add that to the fact that they dressed in whatever crap they could dig up, lived on the bad side of town, and had been to jail more times than the rest of the school combined, and nobody wanted to get in their way on the assumption that they were gang bangers or something.

Well, they were half-right, they were in a gang. A lazy-ass gang that only got together when they were all too broke to pay the rent for the month, and needed to get some quick cash. But that was beside the point. Those preps had nothing to worry about, Sanzo wouldn't even waste the breath necessary to explain to them why he wouldn't kill them while they were sleeping. Not that it wasn't tempting sometimes.

Leaving it up to Banri to find them seats, Sanzo looked over at the scoreboard, wondering how they were doing. The score, in the middle of the second quarter, was a riveting 0 - 0. Oh man, this was going to be a very LONG hour and a half.

Banri led him down to the student section, moving straight to the first row like it wasn't already overcrowded with students full of WAY too much school spirit to be healthy. Sanzo eyed the noisemakers and face makeup with wary eyes, wondering if the cheer virus was contagious, since it was most definitely in season. Ew, now he would have to take an actual shower when he got home, he was feeling so violated. Nonetheless, he pressed forward after Banri as the platinum blonde tapped the shoulder of the guy sitting at the end of the row.

At first the rather tall guy didn't take it very well, snapping his head around, mouth already open to bitch out whoever had the gall to distract him from the "Oh-so-exciting" game. Eyes looking confused for a moment as they stared straight over Banri's head, they finally traveled down, down, and down some more till they met the short punk's eyes. And Banri, the gay little shit, actually grinned and waved up at the behemoth's stupefied expression. It took the guy a moment to register, but when he did, the guy was immediately flattened against the bleacher bench, leaving plenty of room for Banri and Sanzo to slip past in. As did the next person, and the next, until finally Banri sat them down smack dab in the middle of the bench, front row, center. And they didn't have to arrive two hours early or anything.

Though they seemed to be surrounded by some sort of powerful force field, Sanzo observed as the other students seemed to radiate outwards from them, creating a perfect semi-circle of empty seats around them about ten feet in diameter. Discreetly bowing his head, he sniffed the air above his armpit, just in case. Nope, he was good. Leaning over till his head was above Banri's he took another whiff.

Holy HELL, how long had it been since this fucker took a shower!? A year? Sanzo was used to stench and bodily odors, he was male, but this was downright toxic. Grabbing a water bottle at his feet, left behind by some scared peer, he quickly unscrewed the cap and upended it over Banri's head, praying it would douse the stench enough to get them through the game and back to the apartment. Where Banri would be taking a shower. A very LONG shower.

"WHAT THE HELL MAN?! WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION!?"

"You reek, dicklick! When's the last time you took a shower?" Sanzo didn't acknowledge the fact that most of the student body was staring, and within hearing distance. But when Banri had to think about it, even start using his fingers to count, Sanzo had had enough. He needed to cool down for a moment, lest he finally give into temptation and ring Banri's neck. Walking back out the isle, he looked back just in time to see Banri give one girl (Shunrei? Bah, like he knew or cared…) the finger as she wrinkled her dainty little nose at him. Stuck up bitch…. Just because some people didn't have the money to pay big water bills….

Walking up to the concession stand, Sanzo suffered a moment of panic as he searched for his student ID. After all the trouble of coming to this game for the free food, he couldn't have _possibly _been stupid enough to forget it, right?

Wrong. Dammit, he was a bigger retard than Banri. But he had remembered his driver's license, maybe they'd take it? Sweating bullets in the line, he finally made it to the counter, and was immediately handed two hotdogs with everything on them, and a huge ass order of nachos. But, idiot that he was, he had to argue even when he got what he wanted.

"But you didn't even check my ID!" Ugh. Open mouth, insert foot. You got the food, didn't you. Now RUN LIKE HELL!

"Don't worry about it, I know who you are Princess. And some of that there is for Jail-bait, now scram. You're holding up the line."

…He would say this, cafeteria workers truly were fearless people. Though they'd have to be to feed students the crap they did every day and not worry about health regulations. Balancing the free meal on his forearms, Sanzo slowly maneuvered his way back down the steps toward his seat. But it would be just his luck that some fat dude who looked more obese than Buddha just had to step out in the isle when Sanzo got to the third row up. And he had been so close too… now he just knew he was gonna drop something….

For the record, he hadn't been TRYING to eavesdrop on the girls next to him, it had just sort of happened. Like global warming, or Michel Jackson. Basically a bunch of big opps'. Though he supposed this one was a good thing, glancing down at the hotdogs with narrowed eyes.

"God, how can you eat those things Naomi? Don't you know what they're made out of?"

"They're hotdogs Mi-chan, they're made out of cows."

"Yeah, but what PART of cows? I was watching this documentary on TV the other day, do you know what they put in those things? They grind up all the leftover parts from the cow that they couldn't use, including intestines, tongues, even their hooves! I'll never touch one of those things again!"

"Are you serious? EW!"

…Okay, Sanzo was definitely giving these things to Banri. The fat ass was gone, and Sanzo was able to make his way back to his seat. Thankfully, without spilling anything. Maybe his luck wasn't as bad as he thought. But, first things first.

"Hey Banri, want some hot dogs?"

"Sure thing man, thanks!"

* * *

The air smelled of unwashed male bodies, nearly suffocating in its overload of musk and testosterone. The crowd was roaring… and booing, but he was going to ignore that till tomorrow, since nobody had the guts to boo to his face. But most importantly, the cheerleaders were HOT, with his girlfriend right up front, getting more attention when she did the splits than Brittany Spears got for shaving her head. And he had to say, even if her head was empty… the two extra's she had on her chest more than made up for it.

Yes, Sha Gojyo was in his element.

Crouching down, he glared across the invisible line separating the two teams from one another. Straight into an amused smile and smug leer. His lips curled up into an instinctive sneer as he stared into the eyes of one Cho Hakkai, quarterback of their rival school and Sha Gojyo's mortal enemy.

He wasn't really entirely one-hundred percent sure exactly when the animosity between them had begun… but he certainly knew why he couldn't stand the guy under any circumstances. Really, what kind of GAY LORD smiled while playing football? It was a man's sport, the players born of sweat, and pain, and… uh, more pain…. In any case, their was no place for smiles or courtesy here, unless you had just seriously stuffed a punk ass or were chatting up the ladies!

His voice coming out in an attempt at a threatening growl, "Let's see if you can keep that smile when I rub your face in the dirt, mama's boy."

The smile didn't even flinch, to his consternation. "Are you ready to eat this ball Gojyo?"

Oh, that was it. Puberty boy was going _down_. His antennas snapped to attention, twitching as he debated which play would wipe the smirk off this guy's face. Finally, hit with inspiration (or glancing to the side and seeing the coach holding up a white board, same dif), he made his decision.

"Green 42! Green 42! Hut!"

The ball snapped back, straight into his ready hands, and he took a few steps back to look over his options. Okay… he had um… what's-his-name on his left, and… er, that guy on his right… maybe he should actually learn the names of some of these guys, unimportant as they were….

Was anybody open? Jeez… his team really sucked… and he probably shouldn't be thinking that right now, he was in the middle of a game after al- OHGODTHAT'SAFRICKINGHUGEGUY!

Gojyo was sure he saw his life flash before his eyes as he was tackled by a monster of a player. Lying there on the ground, holding the ball tight to his chest like he was afraid it would sprout legs and run off, he stared up at the sky as various scenes played before his gaze, remembering the good times.

Wow. There were a lot of boobs in this world. Strange how most of his best times seemed to involve them a lot. Or, maybe that wasn't so strange, everybody knew the quarterback of any football team had to get some on a regular basis. It was practically a school rule, and if it wasn't, well, it should be!

Finally the other player removed himself from Gojyo's chest, allowing oxygen to enter his lungs once more. Shit… felt like he'd been squashed under a stone column or something. Shaking his head, he got up slowly, squinting to see the number on the back of the jackass who'd just tackled him. As his vision cleared he slowly managed to make out the numbers… 1... 3. Thirteen.

Shit! There was only one guy who had the number thirteen in any of the schools in town, and that was Homura. Gojyo felt he had just had a religious experience, he should be grateful to have survived that son of a bitch coming down on him. Though, he supposed that someone had stepped in to make Homura tone down the hostility just a little. It was only reasonable since he had the record for most induced injuries last season. Gojyo didn't know anyone else who could pull off three broken arms, a shattered ankle, and countless concussions all in one season.

Too bad the guy wasn't on his team, but of course that smug little pansy Hakkai got all the advantages.

Gojyo turned his gaze to rest on the scoreboard, just in time to see the clock run down to zero. The buzzer sounded, and he allowed himself a relieved grin. Hey, even if they hadn't scored, at least the other team hadn't either. Right now, that was good enough for him. Beating Hakkai was always a rush, but tying him was acceptable as long as he didn't lose.

Gojyo waved the team to him, leading them towards the student section of the stands, and, more importantly, toward the dancing cleavag- ahem. He meant ladies. Removing his helmet, he shot the crowd his most charming and roguish grin, waiting for the cheers to start up, his eyes on his girlfriend the whole time. Hooran waved at him from her place in front, jumping up and down. Which made it very difficult to focus on her face, since her chest was just that much more captivating. His attention was only broken by the sound of loud, obnoxious booing from the stands, yelled in a voice he knew a lot better than he would like.

"BOO! HISS! BOOOOOOOOO! WHAT KIND OF FIRST HALF WAS THAT, YOU GAY COCK-SUCKERS! AND YOU, MR. "TOUGH GUY", MAYBE IF YOU FOCUSED ON THE GAME AS WELL AS YOU FOCUS ON YOUR SKANK'S CHEST WE'D BE WINNING! BOOOOOOO!"

Gojyo was torn. One half of him was saying "Just go in the locker room and ignore the punk, he's not worth it! Besides, that way, you can deny any and all connection with the little dick-lick!" He had a feeling that came from his more logical half. But the other part was yelling, in an absolutely grating tone not so far off from the one currently pissing him off, that he had a rep on the line here, and the whole school was watching. Meaning… he really needed to deal with this little "problem".

Damn that Banri. Barely knew the guy, didn't like the guy… and still, the guy managed to make his life a living hell. It just wasn't fair. Why had he asked for a ride home again?

Oh yeah, because Jien was a dickhead who idolized that pussy Kougaiji, and was constantly abandoning his little brother to go support the mofo. Like he didn't have enough supporters already, maybe he just needed a few on the side to wipe his ass for him. Who went and cheered for someone at a bloody martial arts tournament anyway? Gojyo didn't care if the guy had won the state championship the last three years, so would he if he were filthy rich and had personal tutors coming out his ass. Though… Gojyo had a sneaking suspicion that Jien hung out with the guy more for the rich part than for the strong part.

It would make sense, considering his brother wasn't a student of discipline by any means. It would also explain why he put up with "Kou" (Jien's nickname, not his) continually addressing him by his middle name, Dokugakuji, which Jien hated. But of course he didn't mind if "Kou" was the one doing it, since the sun shone out of the tip of his penis, apparently. Though, with the guy so good at marshal arts… maybe his brother was just scared of getting the shit beat out of him otherwise…. Didn't make his less of a jackass though, for choosing his friend over his baby brother.

Gojyo shook his head, focusing once more. So, he was left with no car and no ride for the night, and it would be humiliating to ask anyone else for a ride, being a big man on campus. He had only met Banri a few times (detention, him for being late every once in a while, as was expected of the star football player, and Banri, well… nothing else needed to be said, as far as he was concerned.), but the little punk was the only person he knew that people didn't talk to on a regular basis. Therefore, nobody would find out the turd had given him a ride home, Gojyo wouldn't have to walk, and his reputation would remain in its proper place - star football player, so-so grades, smudged school record, and hot cheerleader girlfriend.

And really, it was so much easier to fit the expectation than to try and change it, after all.

Stomping up to the stands, he made note of the empty ring of seats around Banri before pulling himself up by the bars in front of the bleachers. Stuffing his face as close to Banri's as he could, without seeming gay, he gave his best attempt at a threatening snarl. He didn't think he did too badly, since he heard some student oooooh-ing in that way that was synonymous with "Busted!" But still, the guy had the absolute nerve to grin up at him, seeming perfectly at ease, sprawled out across three levels of benches.

Sometimes… it was really irritating that the most annoying guy in school could also be considered as fear-retarded. Whatever. Gojyo spoke in a low voice so they wouldn't be overheard. That way, it would seem as though he were threatening Banri and getting away with it, and hopefully Banri would stick to the volume. Which would hide the fact that Gojyo would have more luck intimidating a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

"What the hell man, what is your problem?! Do you mind, I've got an image to uphold here, unlike you!" He couldn't completely stop his eyes from glancing around at the crowd, though the angry scowl never left his face. His back was starting to inch from how much he was sweating, and it wasn't from the game.

And there was that same shit-eating grin. Banri leaned forward, raising an eyebrow. "I like to whisper too. And don't think I don't know what you're doing. Cause I do. And now you know that I know that you know that I know what you're doing."

…Right. Gojyo totally understood that. Mostly. Partly. The second half of that last sentence was a little foggy, but he got the gist. He could wing it. "If you know what I'm doing, why aren't you stopping it?" UGH! Not what he meant to say! Open mouth, insert foot.

"Because I'm a nice guy like that, and I'm getting free food, which makes me happy. Which makes me an even nicer guy than usual, which is why I even agreed to give you a ride home today. So be grateful worm, otherwise I'd be forcing you to grovel before my greatness!"

Okay, this guy must have a radar capable of locating anyone and everyone's last nerve. Gojyo felt his eye twitch, but held back because he was just a good guy like that, and the entire population of the school seemed riveted on this little exchange. Which he had initiated, and was subsequently regretting. Maybe there was something to that whole "think before you act" deal… nah. Just another stupid thing grown-ups said to you for "your own well-being" and other shit like that….

"So where's the free food you're so excited about? I don't see any." Why was he continuing to talk again?

"My buddy's up getting it for us. Hope he remembered his I.D., though knowing him, it's sitting on his night-stand at home. If that's true, we should hear a lovely rendition of the word fuck, accompanied by the guest words shit, mother, damnitt, God, Jesus, cunt, tit, twat-"

"I get the point!" One hand came up to brush aside some red hair as Gojyo grunted in irritation, his antennas twitching restlessly. Before Banri's statement actually hit him. "Wait a minute, you have friends? News to me. Maybe you aren't the total social reject I always thought you were…"

"WHY does everybody keep saying that!? First Sanzo, who I should expect it from, but now YOU…."

"Whoa whoa whoa. Sanzo? Wait a minute… you mean princess?

"Princess? Dude, my friend is a dude."

"Yeah, I know, it's just a nickname some other guys on my football team use when they're feeling particularly brave." Gojyo frowned. "From what I've heard, this guy has a record that gives even yours a run for its money, and an attitude that would scare away an angry grizzly during mating season."

"Ah, so you do know him."

"Wrongo. Never met the guy, never even seen him. We're not in any classes together, and I never really pay attention in the halls."

"Yeah, that's because your stuffed in the janitors closet, making out with the "lip-gloss flavor" of the day. Really, if only Hooran knew what you got up to during your free-time…."

"Half the time its her, and she has no complaints. As for the other half… I think of it as a bonus reward to my 'extracurricular' activities, being quarterback and all. Besides, she's got her head full of cheerleading, diets, makeup magazines… she doesn't need to worry her pretty little breas- I mean, head with that sort of thing. I've only got her best interests at heart."

"Sure you do. Nice save there by the way. But I'll give you this, she does have some of the best knockers I've ever seen. No offense or anything, she is your 'girlfriend' after all."

"I thought so too, and none taken."

"Anyway, he should be coming down any minute now, so I'd suggest moving your ass before he moves it for you. He's got a bit of a grudge against football players."

"Why's that?"

"He got hit on by one last year."

"You're joking. Which one?"

"You know that guy who had to quit because of three broken fingers and a dislocated kneecap?"

"…Hint taken."

"How's he doing, by the way?"

"Don't know, never cared." Gojyo rolled his eyes. Like he'd keep tabs on a football player gay enough to hit on another guy. "So…" he started again, hating the slightly awkward silence that had begun, "Why do they call him 'princess' anyway?"

"Dude, when you look, you'll see. And no, it's not because he's gay. At least… I don't _think_ he's gay. I could be wrong, you understand…."

"And why don't you think he's gay with a nickname like 'Princess'?"

Banri almost looked affronted at the question. "Because, he's never once tried to come on to me, that's why! So I know for a fact that he can't be gay…."

"Because you're every gay guy's walking wet dream, right?"

"Damn straight! Or, uh, bent, considering the subject and all…."

"Whatever. Listen, I've gotta get into the locker room, the coach is probably having an aneurism in my honor right now…."

"How nice of him. OH! Before you go…." What was it now? "What nickname do I have if Sanzo is 'Princess?' Studmuffin? Hotstuff? Sex-On-Legs?"

Gojyo allowed himself a smirk. This… this could work in his favor. "Actually… they call you jailbait." And with that, he slid down, glorying in Banri's all at once insulted and devastated expression. He heard a murmur go through the students, sounding vaguely admiring. He let his smirk grow even wider with the eyes his girlfriend was giving him. Yep, he, Sha Gojyo, had just told off the biggest punk-ass in the school, and had gotten away with it too. At least, that's what it looked like.

And nobody ever had to know any differently, as far as Gojyo was concerned. With one last jaunty wave to his adoring fans, even the REALLY fat kid standing in the aisle of the third row, he walked under the stands and through the locker room door, not even caring that he was about to get his ass chewed big time.

Sha Gojyo, star quarterback, was on top of the world tonight. And nothing could ruin that.

He really shouldn't have underestimated Banri. One would think he'd know better by now.

* * *

When they added their scores together (not that they were keeping track), Banri and Sanzo, together, had managed to devour, within the space of fifteen minutes, six large orders of nachos, four hotdogs (all Banri), and a packet of skittles they had fond in the bleachers. Sanzo absentmindedly sipped at the large soda the man in the concession stand had given him for free, saying something about dehydration after so much junk food or some other tosh. But he wasn't gonna complain, it was free, after all.

But for some reason Banri seemed to be in a bit of a mood, as it were. Huh, and the guy had the nerve to hint about Sanzo having PMS, he needed to take a good long look in a mirror or something…. Not that the sight of his own features would be anything less than a horrific experience though. Hm… it wasn't as much fun insulting Banri in his head as it was to do it out loud. He got robbed of the whole indignant reaction, which was the reason he insulted Banri in the first place.

That, and because the guy was a gay little jerk off. But who was Sanzo to judge?

Anyway, they were nearing the end of the third quarter, and STILL, neither team had scored. Damn, football had always been stupid, but this was just boring. He wanted some blood dammit! Maybe even a broken bone or two! Just to spice up the experience a little bit, not at all because he hated most of the football players on their team and wished terrible, painful deaths down upon them daily, and had actually attempted to make a voodoo doll of that one running back….

Not at all. Just for the experience. Really. And it wasn't as if he was wishing any particular harm on that running back. Honestly, he was surprised to see him playing again this year.

Broken fingers and dislocated kneecaps were some serious shit, after all. He allowed himself a smirk of recollection in honor of that memorable day….

Princess his _ass_.

"Hey man, I'll be right back, k? I got some, uh… stuff to do."

Sanzo blinked over at Banri, surprised but not impressed. "Stuff?" Yeah, Sanzo could imagine the type of "stuff" Banri was planning on doing. The kind of stuff that got his ass shoved in jail on a regular basis, that's what.

"You're going to do something stupid that will have me bailing your ass out again, aren't you?"

Banri had the decency to look vaguely affronted. "God, what is with the mistrust? I told you, it should only take a minute or so. I'll be done by the fourth quarter, scout's honor!"

"You were never a scout, so don't try to pull that lame ass trick on me. In fact, you beat up a group of girl scouts and stole all the cookies they were selling once. And I should know, I helped you do it."

"Blah blah blah… Stop living in the past man! Just take a chill pill or something!"

Sanzo watched Banri saunter away with narrowed eyes, a dark frown on his face. Somehow… he had a very bad feeling about this. Banri was up to something, and fuck it all if Sanzo knew what. He was going to let him rot in jail this time, seriously he was… but even that thought didn't comfort him as he eventually lost sight of Banri in the crowd.

He really just preferred to keep Banri within sight at all times. Made life so much safer.

But at the moment, he refused to worry about it. He just didn't see the point, really. After all, his stomach was full, he hadn't had to pay more than a few bucks the whole night, and everyone was leaving him the fuck alone. What more could a guy ask for?

Even if he was a football game. He could make the most of it though. Not all of the guys on the football team were jackasses, at least, the ones he didn't know. That meant he could feel free to check them out all he wanted, free of charge. When his attention wasn't focused on the cheerleaders' chests, that is. Ah, the perks of being bi- one always found a source for sexual fantasies.

Not that he'd ever tell Banri he was interested in men, even though he was still interested in women. God knew what kind of reaction the little freak would have to the bombshell. Sanzo had a feeling, knowing Banri and his vastly over-inflated ego, that the little twerp would get the idea that Sanzo wanted _his _ass. And Sanzo only had one thing to say to that.

Not in a million fucking years.

It wasn't that Banri was unattractive or anything… in fact, the little bastard was actually pretty good looking. Once you got past the shaved eyebrow thing. But no… Sanzo knew Banri a little too well to go anywhere near _that_ kind of relationship. It'd be like fucking his little brother… no, that was wrong. More like fucking your family pet. And now he was going to try very hard to get those pictures out of his head, thank you.

Sanzo took an absentminded sip of his drink, eyes shifting between players, looking for an ogle worthy as to fixate on. The other team's quarterback wasn't bad… and that #13 had one of the greatest bodies Sanzo had ever seen, though he was a bit too buff for his taste…. He huffed softly, his eyes narrowing into an intense leer as he continued to scar the field. And… Bingo. Target set and ready to fire.

Damn that was a good ass. It took Sanzo a few moments to tear his eyes off it to see exactly who it belonged to, and he couldn't hold back a sigh when he finally did. It figured it would have to be their quarterback. It was official.

His existence was the punch line in the big joke called life.

Sha Gojyo, owner of said damn good ass, resident playboy, and just about the straightest bastard to be found. Also one of the banes of Sanzo's existence. His entire life represented everything Sanzo hated in the world, as as far as he was concerned, people like Sanzo didn't even exist.

Which only made Sanzo want to hit that damn good ass even more. He _hated_dicks like that! So much for ogling that rear, Sanzo just couldn't do it without driving himself insane. He'd just stick with the quarterback on the other team… Cho, he read on the back of the uniform. Short, but he liked it.

Content to sit back and leer to his hearts content, Sanzo was startled by the buzzer as it announced the end of the third quarter. And still, no scores on either side. He wondered how the cheerleaders could keep smiling, though it did look a bit strained. Looked painful, actually. There was a reason Sanzo didn't smile, after all. Took too much effort, it was so much easier just to have no expression on your face. Effective at keeping away all those charity case do-gooders who thought you just needed help. Who worked so hard to see through the cold exterior…

…to the unemotional rock underneath. Oh yes, Sanzo had been many a girl and guy's disappointment. And he loved every minute of it.

He was drawn out of his musings by a shriek from the stands, his head, as well as a hundred others, swiveling towards the noise. He saw a girl (wasn't it Rinrei? Who cared though, just another one of Sha's sluts…) pointing down at the field, her eyes wide and shocked and her cheeks flushed a bright red. Following the path her finger made, his eyes were eventually drawn to a lone figure, making a steady path across the middle of the field.

Correction. A butt-ass _naked_ figure, making a steady path across the middle of the field. It wasn't until the figure got closer to the center that Sanzo recognized who it was.

He knew letting that bastard walk off had been a bad idea.

_FUCK! Fuck, fucking fucker…. What the hell was he thinking!?_

Sanzo watched in abject horror as two cops appeared out of boofoo fucking nowhere, catching Banri just as he made it to the opposite end of the field. One on either side, they carefully escorted him (keeping a hold of his arms, but making sure not to get to close, as their captive was 100 nude) to a police car waiting on the curb.

_Won't do something that'll get his ass thrown in jail MY ass!_

Sanzo slumped down in his seat, his teeth grinding with frustration as he watched the cop car drive away towards the police station. Throwing his pop down in a quick fit of fury, he was unaware that he wasn't the only one cursing Banri for his ill timed stunt.

_There goes my fucking ride home._

* * *

_Nonononononono no no no No No No NO!_

Sha Gojyo was going to kill himself after tonight, really he was. The game was a total suck-fest, neither side having so much as a point going in to the fourth quarter. He was already not going to get laid tonight, on account of needing a ride home since his brother wasn't there. Not to mention his step-mom would, without a doubt, bitch him out as soon as he got there, for one thing or another. And it didn't even matter if he had actually done anything. Normally his step-mom really wasn't too bad, they had a sort of understanding. They ignored each other entirely. And when they had to talk to one another, all communication was directed through Jien, being the neutral party.

But it was that time of the month. And when mama ain't happy, ain't_ nobody_ happy.

But now, to top it all off, the little dick had to go and streak across the field, naked as the day he was born, and get his ass arrested.

_Fuck, fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck!_

Gojyo was doomed.

_There goes my fucking ride for the night. How could this get any worse?_

With his crappy luck tonight, it would probably start to rain.

* * *

A/N: Wow... that took a long time to type. And it was only the prologue too. I'm planning on making the chapters even longer... hopefully not taking a month to write each of them. When I finally got done with this baby, I made an account on all excited about finally posting it. Then I found out about the two day wait period, and totally started cussing out my computer, freaking out my mom and dad and nearly giving my cat a heart attack. Oops... ' But what could I do? I was pissed. After all that trouble I was going to have to wait two more days before I could even post it... sigh

Anyway, I'll try to have the next chapter within the next two weeks, but I'm gonna warn anyone interested not to hold their breath. Reviews are nice, but not necessary, cause I'm mostly doing this cause I want to anyway. If you have suggestions or requests, please tell me, I'd be happy to at least hear them. I'm gonna warn you though, read my bio, at least the part near the end if you want to request a pairing. You'll see why. And I've already got the main and one sub-pairing picked out for this fic, but I'm still looking for a possible second sub-pairing. My rules in my bio only apply to the main pairing really, I'm completely open to sub-pairings between everyone. So fire away!

Oh, and... I'm not really shy about anything when writing, so there will be smex, and there's obviously less-than-wholesome language. So, well, consider yourself warned. The rating is there for a reason people! X3

As for flames... feel free to send them. BRING IT ON YOU BASTARDS!! XD I don't really care if somebody hates my writing. It's as simple as this. DON'T READ IT. I actually enjoy getting flames sometimes, makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Cause all the greatest authors had their critics in their time, it makes me feel a bit more professional and noteworthy, as weird as that sounds. And no, I'm not a masochist... sadist, however... 3

Also, I've already had some friends proofread for me, but I'd love an experienced beta to look this over if they want. When I've been here long enough, and have enough stories in, I plan on becoming a beta myself. I think it'll be fun, plus I'll get to read stuff before anyone else. YAY! I think I should pursue a career as a critic later in life, on the off note. Just because it sounds like the easiest job ever. C'mon people, you're paid to tell people your opinion of something, and you can be as rude as you want to boot! How is that not an amazing job?

Anyway, I should probably stop now, I tend to ramble on and on when I start typing. In case you didn't notice points up I like to talk/type a lot. Once I get started, I have a hard time shutting up. So yeah. This is me. Shutting up. Like, right now. Right. ...Yeah.

Till next time!


	2. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki or any of its characters. I'd know if I did because I'd be filthy rich. Life's a bitch.

**Chapter 1 - A Great Deal Of Toothpicks, The Principal's Statue In The School Courtyard, And One Cho Hakkai's Crotch Guard**

Forty-five minutes, two comfort nachos and a quick barf in the restroom later, Sanzo was left standing in the school parking lot, staring at the heap of junk Banri called a car. Stranded, he was understandably in a bit of a snit at the moment, in fact, his current mood was bordering on homicidal. He must have been giving off some serious hate vibes, since other members of the student body were going out of their way to avoid him. Not that that was anything new… but usually he only had a ten foot bubble, not a forty foot one. Whatever. It wasn't like he was going to complain about it.

Rubbing his temple, Sanzo slowly let out an irritated growl, trying to calm down as he assessed the situation. Okay, Banri was most definitely in prison for the night. Check. Sanzo was going to have to use this month's rent to bust him out again. Check. He had no way to get more money before the landlord would want to be paid. Check. He had already borrowed all the money he could this month, not to mention the fact that the people he had borrowed from would want to be paid back too. Check. Eviction was almost a sure thing at this point. Check.

…Lost in the throes of financial desperation, Sanzo briefly wondered how much Banri's "antique" grandfather clock would go for on eBay. The idea was quickly dismissed however, on the grounds that Sanzo didn't have a computer, let alone a camera to take pictures with. And somehow… he doubted the school would let him use their crap to do the job. Ah well, it was worth a thought. Maybe he'd mention it to Banri and they could figure something out later.

But first thing was first. He had to find a way home tonight, and there was no way in hell he was going to walk 10 miles home, then get up early tomorrow morning to walk 10 miles back to school. 10 miles might have been a bit of an exaggeration on his part, but still. No way, uh-uh, wasn't going to happen. So that left him two options. Option One: Find a sucker and bum a ride, and if they refused, beat the shit out of them, then bum a ride. Only problem being that the beating up part would require actual physical effort on his part. So, moving on to option two.

He had to find a way to get this pile of shit moving long enough to get him home without any casualties or major property damage.

Eyeing the car warily, as if it would attack at a moment's notice, Sanzo approached. Well, why not? He reasoned with himself. He had managed to wreck the brakes up enough that they'd give out on Banri every once in a while, why the hell couldn't he find a way to hotwire the damn thing? He could improvise….

And never mind the fact that he had never figured out how to fix the damn brakes again….

Glancing around to make sure nobody was watching, Sanzo carefully got on his knees, doing a quick check for broken glass or any other undesirably sharp, pointy objects. Looked like it was all clear. Sitting down, he eventually (reluctantly and grumpily) wound up on his back, wiggling until he was under the hood of the car, staring up at a bunch of mechanical crap, none of which he recognized.

_Okay… lets just avoid that red wire there, this thing is enough of a ticking time bomb without me tempting fate…. And let's not touch that sharp thing, who knows what might start to move around when… How about I just…._

Sanzo had apparently forgotten the fact that he knew shit about cars, or anything mechanical really, and that learning by screwing around with shit probably wasn't the safest route in his education on such matters….

About five oil stains, three static shocks, and one near removal of his hand later, Sanzo spared an odd thought as to how that friend of Banri's was going to get home now. He quickly wrote it off though. Wasn't his problem anyway. Besides, he was pretty sure something good would happen if he jiggled that thingamabob over there a little….

* * *

As he walked towards the parking lot, his shoulders bent over in a dejected slump, Gojyo allowed himself just the smallest margin of hope that Banri had left his keys in the car, like a good, responsible friend about to streak across the football field and get arrested when his buddy seriously needed a ride home would. Then he remembered that it was Banri he was talking… er, thinking about, and he may as well just resign himself to walking. Despite the fact that he was really tired after a long, hard game. Or that it was dark out and the walk would probably take over an hour. Or that he had a test in first period tomorrow, so he really couldn't afford to sleep in. Or the fact that those looked like some vicious rain clouds on the horizon there….

He had just known that it would rain. Could he call it, or could he call it?

But still, it would be stupid not to at least _check_ and see if the keys were in the car, right? Banri could have been stupid (not hard to imagine really) and left the keys there, assuming nobody would steal the piece of crap. Though… remembering said piece of crap, he could safely say that not even the most desperate street bum would think of gaining anything out of that car.

The parts dealer would probably make them pay for the work of trying to find anything useful in the glorified garbage can.

Stepping up onto the asphalt of the street, he raised his head to begin the search for said hunk of junk. It wasn't difficult, seeing as how there was only one vehicle left in the whole thing. At least nobody would bear witness to his shame….

Or so he thought.

He had about two seconds of warning as a rather loud screech came from his right. Saved only by what he liked to think of as instinct, though most would refer to it as clumsiness, he fell backward onto his ass, and coincidentally the sidewalk, just in time to avoid being hit. He blinked up in an almost dazed manner at the convertible in front of him, his eyes finally focusing on the driver's face.

Correction. The driver's smug, evil, ugly, smiling face.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't see you there. That was close. Just think, if you hadn't fallen just then, I might have squashed you like a disgusting little cockroach. And we wouldn't want that, now would we?"

Cho Hakkai laughed at his own joke, peering down at him with that smirk on his face. Oh, how Gojyo _loathed_ that smirk. How he _loathed_ that face. _ How he loathed the person they belonged to._

"Can't say I'm surprised, four-eyes. Maybe you need to get your prescription checked before you drive, just so you're road-safe. Wouldn't want to make you an even bigger menace to society."

Gojyo felt a small amount of satisfaction as he watched Cho's right eye twitch. Looked like he had hit nerve with the four eyes comment.

"Quite right… I would never want to be regarded on the same level as YOU, after all."

"My goodness, we couldn't have that. We'd have to find a new idiot for the village, and you know how hard it is to find them on such short notice."

"You would know all about the process, wouldn't you? It's beyond me how the agency ever let you go."

"All comes down to talent. Turns out I just didn't measure up to there standards, especially compared to one such as yourself. Ah, well. Competition for the position was rough… but looks like you came out on top man. Congrats."

Cho's smile had become strained. Gojyo allowed himself a confident smirk, just to show how much this was not getting to him. He could keep it up all day if that's what the jerk-off wanted! Though, he was beginning to run out of witty comebacks…. Luckily for him, Cho didn't seem in the mood to continue their banter at the moment.

"As much as I'd love to continue this little chat, I have better things to do than talk to a cockroach like you."

Sure he did… Gojyo couldn't help but think as Cho drove off. Bastard just couldn't take it when it looked like he wasn't going to win. Shaking his head, he shoved Cho to the back of his mind. Now, what was he doing again. Oh yeah, Banri's car….

Quickly strolling over and glancing through the cracked glass, he quickly determined that no, Banri hadn't left his keys in the car. Damn… now he'd have to- was that a blow up doll?

He wasn't gonna ask. This was him not asking.

Looking back at the storm clouds, he wondered whether his step-mother would care if he didn't come home…. He could sleep in the car, be to school on time, and it wasn't like it would be the first time he had stayed out all night or gone to school in the same clothes he had been wearing the day before. People would just assume he'd been out getting laid. Hell, his step-mother probably wouldn't even notice. And his dad was out on a business trip again, so….

It wasn't until he head a loud bang that he realized he wasn't alone. Just about jumping ten feet in the air, he finally noticed the pair of worn black combat boots emerging from under the hood of the car. Curses began erupting from beneath the unholy union of tires and scrap-metal, as the owner of the voice obviously wasn't too pleased about, uh… whatever he was doing under there.

Wait a minute, what was he doing under there?

"Uh… 'Scuse me?"

Gojyo watched the feet jump, and heard another loud clank from beneath the hood of the car. Oops, looks like he had startled the guy. It took a few moments, but eventually the mysterious stranger beneath the hood deigned to answer.

"What does it look like I'm doing you retard? I'm trying to hotwire this piece of junk so I'm not stuck walking home. What's it to you?"

Okay… so Mr. Man here had an attitude. Obviously he didn't know he was speaking to THE Sha Gojyo. Perhaps he should remedy that before they continued the conversation.

"Listen, I'll let it go this time since you obviously don't know who you're talking to, but really man, cut it out with the attitude. Don't you know who I AM?"

It took a couple of seconds, but Gojyo's antennas finally picked up on the waves of hostility radiating from beneath the vehicle. Taking a step back, he eyed the suddenly still boots warily, regretting his last few sentences already. It took some severe issues or talent to broadcast anger like that, and above all else, Gojyo did in fact value his life. He absentmindedly wondered whether silence was a good thing or a bad thing in this situation, but couldn't decide.

He really didn't have much to go on. Him and his step-mom were actually similar when it came to their tempers, at least volume wise. They were both screamers, prone to blow up in a loud, often devastating manner that would leave ears ringing for days, and tended to speak before thinking. Jien and his dad, on the other hand, they were the really scary ones. Everything was cool when they were yelling, being violent in general and moving around… it was when they got really still and quiet that you wanted to head for the hills. Better yet, the border. And hopefully they wouldn't be angry enough to follow you across into Mexico or Canada, whichever happened to be closer at the time.

So it was with equal amounts of fear and trepidation that he listened when the response finally came. He nearly shivered at the amount of acid the tone contained. Yup, this was one of the quiet ones.

Why did he always have to find the quiet ones?

"No, actually, I don't know who you are. And here's a surprise; I don't give a fuck. So I'd suggest you shove your foot in your big-ass mouth before I come up there and do it for you. And believe me, I won't be near as gentle."

Um… yeah. That might be pretty good advice, if Gojyo was any judge of character and/or life threatening situations…. After a few minutes of awkward silence later, interspersed with the occasional clank from down below (what the hell was the guy doing down there anyway?), Gojyo gathered his courage and bravado once more.

"Hey, uh… mind if I ask you a question real quick?"

"Me first. Why the hell are you still here?"

Man, this guy's mouth… it just got him boiling in all the wrong places, Gojyo thought with a dark frown. Nice to know he wasn't even worthy of this prick noticing whether or not he was even here…. "I'm still here cause I need a ride, and the owner of this pile of crap said he'd give me one. Of course, since he was arrested, that plan has pretty much gone to hell in a hand-basket. I came to check and see whether or not I'd gotten lucky and he had left the keys or something."

The voice was silent for a few seconds, seemingly contemplative as far as Gojyo could tell. He was surprised when it piped up again after a minute or two. "…You're the friend Banri was gonna give a ride home, aren't you?"

"Yeah, I am- hey, hold on a sec, you know Banri?"

"No shit, Sherlock. What tipped you off? Why else would I be trying to fix this thing?"

"Uh… I just kinda assumed that you were trying to jack the thing, really."

"Then it was pretty stupid of you to talk to me in the first place, since for all you knew, I could have had a gun. Hell, I still might. But who would waste the time and effort it would take to steal this deathtrap anyway…." The voice faded as a few more rattles and bangs could be heard, and Gojyo couldn't help but wonder whether this guy really knew what he was doing. Surely hotwiring cars wasn't common knowledge… though you never knew. He was pretty sure Banri lived on the wrong side of town, so he felt it was safe to assume that this punk did too, if he knew Banri well enough to fuck with his car. Maybe down there they had classes on this shit… he wouldn't put it past this mouth in combat boots to learn shady shit, despite the fact that he'd only known him a few minutes. Though, at the same time, he was pretty sure cars were hotwired by opening the hood, not going underneath. Something to do with the transmission wires or something… at least, that's what it looked like in the movies.

But he had a more pressing issue. Why would someone from the slums, other than Banri that is, bother coming to a high school football game….

It suddenly hit Gojyo who he was idly chatting with. So… this guy was 'princess' huh? Well, fuck him sideways and leave him there to rot, what they said in the locker-room was right….

He did have a telephone pole shoved up his ass. One of the big, wide, wooden one's at that. And it had probably given him a number of splinters as well, if he was any judge. Gojyo, a bit more comfortable now that he knew who he was talking to, allowed himself to relax a bit, leaning against the side of the car. He figured he could take a guy nicknamed 'princess' in a fight easily enough, so he didn't have too much to worry about. Unless the fucker really did have a gun, but he decided that if he did, he probably would have used it already. Looking back on his conversation with Banri, he tried to remember what the dipshit had said this guy's name was….

"You're that guy Banri hangs out with all the time, aren't you prin- uh, man? What was your name again? Sanji or somethin'?"

"It's _Sanzo_, dipshit. Say it right or shut the fuck up."

"My most sincere apologies _princess_, I didn't realize you were that well known. God, what the hell is your problem anyway? I haven't done jack to you, and still you keep laying on the names and shit!"

Gojyo wasn't the type to judge a book by its cover- actually, okay, he was. But even if it didn't look that appealing, he was willing to open it and flip through a few pages. Maybe even read a bit as long as it didn't have that gross, old, never-been-read book smell. But he had his limits. And as far as was concerned, this was a bad book. He hadn't even gotten a look at the cover, going straight to the inside, and he could still tell that.

His temper had its limits too. So, despite the fact that this guy was from the wrong side of town, probably knew several people that could off him (or at least beat the shit out of him), and it hadn't quite been confirmed whether or not he actually had a gun… if he was going to dish it out, he had better be able to take it too. Because Gojyo had less control over his mouth than he had over the weather, at the moment.

Which, by the way, was none, since those rain clouds just kept getting closer and closer.

"I'm sorry, I seem to have given you the mistaken impression that I care what you think or feel. Let me assure you that is not in fact the case. And don't call me that."

"Oh, what's this? You can call me whatever the hell you feel like, but can't take me calling you PRINCESS?" Cue a wicked grin, as a thought suddenly occurred to Gojyo's perverse little mind. "Or could it be that the name hits a bit too close to home, your majesty? Or would the term 'Queen' be a bit more accurate in your case?"

"I dare you to say that to my face, you cock-sucking little ass-wipe! Just because you're a bottom boy doesn't mean you should accuse other people of your little fetishes!" The snarled words were followed by a series of bangs and sizzles, with a constant hum of angry muttering barely audible beneath the racket. "Princess… gonna kill the son of a… what the hell was that… I'll show him… queen… like HELL…."

Wow, talk about a grump, seriously. But for some reason… Gojyo was getting a real kick out of pushing this guy's buttons, and it wasn't because he had a death wish either. Quite the opposite really. But there was just something about this guys reactions….

Maybe it was like how cats were so fascinated by strings. They were just dangling there, so why not bat it with a paw? Again… and again… and again… and maybe once more for the road….

It was amusing as hell, in any case. And Gojyo figured, why spoil a good thing?

"Me think the lady doth protest too much."

"STOP calling me a chick! And you'd better start running now, because the second I'm done under here, you are DEAD."

Gojyo thought that perhaps he should heed the warning, but at the same time he was a damn fast runner. Besides, the kid was wearing combat boots and probably hadn't played a sport a day in his life. How fast could a kid from the slums be anyway?

In any case, his "hotwiring" job was taking just short of forever, and Gojyo thought that maybe, if he played his cards right from here on out, he might be able to mooch a ride home. Or at least use of the car as shelter overnight, if necessary.

"Um… not meaning to raid on your parade or anything, but aren't cars usually hotwired from beneath the hood? Something to do with the transmission wires or whatnot…."

There was a short, contemplative silence before Gojyo saw the combat boots begin to move out. Slowly, with much effort and wiggling, long legs in loose, ratty jeans emerged, followed by an oil stained t-shirt. Finally, the figure's face came into view.

Gojyo felt his mind go blank and his mouth go dry as he stared at a very,_ VERY_ pretty man.

…So that's why they called him princess.

* * *

Sanzo officially hated football, cars, and any other stupid male bonding clichés he might happen to come in contact with that night. First of all, none of this would have happened if he hadn't come to the god-forsaken football game. Second, this car made no fucking sense, not that he ever thought it had.

He supposed this proved it though. It was definitely easier to break shit than it was to fix it up again.

And now this bozo had to come along and start mouthing off to him. After the first couple of insults, Sanzo had held out the hope that the guy had gotten the hint and screwed off, since it had gone silent from up above. It probably would have been wise on the guy's part too, since Sanzo's head was still throbbing from hitting his head when the guy had startled him. But still, the damn punk stayed. He was either very brave or very stupid.

It's easy to guess which answer Sanzo was leaning toward.

But when he brought up the princess thing, that was taking it too far. He was lucky Sanzo didn't really have a gun, or he'd be joining Banri in jail that night on homicide charges. Which was saying a lot, that Sanzo was willing to get thrown into jail to get back at the ass. Sanzo didn't like jail that much. Sure, it did its job most of the time, and when Banri was in it he was out of Sanzo's hair and not causing any trouble, but still. It smelled funny. Wreaked hell on Sanzo's freakishly sensitive nose.

When he mentioned the hotwiring thing was the last straw. Now that Sanzo thought about it, in the movies they did pop the hood to hotwire shit… great. Now he owed this guy. Which meant he couldn't beat the shit out of him. He hated when people he didn't like were right.

Just who did this guy think he was anyway, Tom Cruise?

Wiggling out from under the vehicle, decidedly ignoring the fact that he may as well kiss any dignity good-bye, Sanzo finally got he head out from under the time-bomb. Thankfully without hitting his head again. If he lost to many brain cells, who knew, he might just get as dumb as Banri. A fate worse than death if you asked him. Yuck…

After a moment of letting his eyes adjust and breathing in a few gulps of fresh air, Sanzo finally looked up at his unwelcome guest. He couldn't help but be curious as to who the poor sap was that was desperate enough to get a ride from Banri. Beside himself that is.

Sanzo had the worst luck in the world. Not only was it a football player, albeit a hot one, but still his second least favorite one on the entire team. He wasn't quite as bad as that fucking running back, but he took a close second.

Sha Gojyo, team quarterback, school playboy.

Sanzo's polar opposite, and therefore mortal enemy. The jedi to his sith. The superhero to his evil genius.

The prep to his emo.

Understandably, it took his mind a few seconds to recover from the continuously worse comparisons it spit out. But snap out of it he did, after a few seconds of staring. Though he couldn't say the situation wasn't surreal. He just didn't get it. Why did a guy as popular as Sha need a ride home from _Banri_ of all people? Couldn't he just get a ride from some chick he'd screwed or one of his meathead friends? Or, better yet, someone in his family, his brother for instance….

Thinking things over, Sanzo didn't initially notice the eyes seemingly plastered onto his face. Though the itching feeling they left behind became impossible to ignore after a few minutes. Eyes refocusing once more, he looked up at the redhead only to find he was being stared at.

Sanzo twitched.

The guy wasn't even being subtle about it, his eyes wide and his jaw slack. Was that a bit of drool Sanzo saw in the corner there? What the hell? Did he have something on his face? He quickly raised a hand to check, ducking his head for a moment. No… he was good, clean as he ever was. All it took was a quick glance to confirm that the eyes staring him down hadn't even blinked, let alone moved.

That was… annoying to say the least.

"Take a picture, it'll last longer."

The snide remark seemed to do its job, as the jaw abruptly snapped closed, red eyes swiftly turning away. In fact, Sha went so far as to turn completely around, hiding his face completely, leaving Sanzo to wonder what the hell all that was about.

Oh well, he didn't really mind that much. He had a great view after all, being on the ground. He now had even more evidence to confirm his earlier thesis.

Sha Gojyo, for all his faults, had one damn good ass.

But if he sat there ogling it for too long, even the brainless wonder was going to notice. With a regretful sigh, Sanzo reluctantly stood up, though not without one last try at raping that ass with his eyes. Too bad this guy was as straight as they came, Sanzo might be willing to ignore the fact that he couldn't stand the guy for one good lay. And he'd have made sure the redhead had no complaints either.

Oh well. No use crying over milk that was never there in the first place.

Opening the car door while doing his best to ignore the blowup doll in the backseat, Sanzo pulled on the lever to pop the hood. Looking up and seeing that it hadn't worked, he pulled again. And again. And again. And once more for the road….

…Unfortunately pulling the lever off entirely. Staring at the broken stick in his hands, Sanzo wondered what was with all his bad luck lately. He hadn't seen any black cats for months… unless that calico down the block counted, but one of it's paws was white and it had a brown spot on its back. He hadn't walked under any ladders, and it was doubtful he ever would, especially not if Banri were the one on top of it. What was the last thing? Oh yeah, you weren't supposed to break a mirror unless you wanted seven years bad luck….

Shit. Looking at the nonexistent side view mirror of Banri's car, he hoped that didn't count. Technically it hadn't even been him that broke the mirror off, but he had been there when it happened. And he supposed it would be just like Banri to curse everyone in his close vicinity with his bad luck. Why was Sanzo going to bust him out of jail again? Now that he thought about it, he wasn't sure there was even a reason to in the first place….

Whatever. He really needed to focus if he was going to get back to his apartment anytime soon. Then he could make a list of the pros and cons of busting Banri out.

Despite the fact that the entire lever had come off… it had done its job, Sanzo observed. Moving toward the front, he hefted up the hood, looking for the rod that held it up. Which, upon further investigation, seemed to have met the same fate as the lever he had dropped on the car seat. Great, what else could go wrong? He would pretend he hadn't thought that, just in case he had just jinxed himself. But maybe that was only the case if you said it out loud… whatever, he wasn't going to stew on it. Banri was the one into all the superstitious shit anyway, not him.

Well, if he didn't have the regular rod to hold the hood up, one nimrod would do. Glaring over at the quarterback, he attempted to contain a sneer of disdain. People usually didn't appreciate that kind of a look from someone about to ask for there help, or so Sanzo had heard. Not that he was going to ask for the guys help, demand was more like it, but at least he could do it in a somewhat courteous manner…

That one might be able to see if they tilted there head just right and squinted a bit….

While observing the red head, he couldn't help but notice that he was being observed rather closely. In fact, the guy's eyes seemed glued to somewhere around the chest vicinity, almost like they were looking for something. When he didn't realize that he was being watched as well, Sanzo was rather at a loss of what to think. Was he being checked out, or was this something he would find vaguely insulting once he understood what it was? As the first raindrop hit his head however, he decided it really didn't matter.

"Are you going to stand there gaping all day or are you gonna get your ass over here and help?"

The growled out sentence snapped Sha out of his daze or coma, his eyes jerking away from Sanzo's chest quite quickly. Sanzo's eyes narrowed, but for the time being, he decided he wasn't gonna ask. He needed the moron's help, which meant he couldn't kill him, or even cause serious bodily harm. Afterwards though… well, it was something to think about. He just wished he had his Smith and Wesson along, it would make threatening this punk so much easier.

But at least the guy knew when to shut his trap, for the most part at least. He slumped over, hair falling into his face as he took over holding up the hood, but not without of few complaining grumbles and curses. Sanzo felt no pity. If he expected to get a ride, he was going to have to work for it. Though he was still thinking over the ride part, as it were.

"Now, where are these transmission things you were talking about."

Sha made a vague gesture with his head, which Sanzo followed to a bunch of black wires in the upper left hand corner. Okay, near where you sat and turned the key to make the car start, that made sense, he guessed. Now he just had to figure out which wire to tamper with and where….

Pulling out his pocket knife, Sanzo set to work, doing his best to ignore the crimson eyes he could once more feel staring at him.

Now, which one to start with? Eenie Meenie Minee Mo…

* * *

Holding up the hood, Gojyo was having a hard time coming to terms with his situation. Not the Banri in jail, the piece of shit car, or the about to rain part. More like the holy-fricking-cow-so-this-was-princess part.

Guys were NOT supposed to be that pretty. It was a cosmic rule or something. If he hadn't heard his voice beforehand, Gojyo seriously would have thought that he was a chick or something. Which would have been really humiliating, because Gojyo would feel the need to hit on any chick as pretty as this guy, no matter how flat the chest was.

Which probably would have ended with him in the hospital, like that running back Banri had told him about. Suddenly, he was starting to empathize with the poor guy. He hadn't known what hit him.

In light of all this, Gojyo couldn't help but stare at the guy. More specifically, at the guy's chest. He couldn't shake the feeling that there should be a nice, big pair of breasts there, and maybe if he looked long enough a pair would start to grow. Then the guy would be a chick, and he wouldn't be disturbed by the moment of insane attraction he had felt upon first glimpsing that face….

Because Sha Gojyo was not gay. His groin had just been momentarily confused. Went back to the whole guys weren't supposed to be pretty thing.

Though, he may have to revise that a bit. After all, Sha Gojyo was a very pretty man as well. Just, in a more, er… manly way than this guy. Yeah, that was it. Men were allowed to be pretty, so long as they still looked like men.

At the first spark, and coincidentally, curse from the other man (He's a man, Gojyo, get over it!), Gojyo began to feel the first real signs of nervousness. It had been fine when the man had been fiddling with shit when Gojyo had the option of running away. But now he was holding the hood up, and if the car decided to spontaneously combust, he would be the more screwed of the two. At the same time, he couldn't just drop the thing and leave the guy. He did have some morals, they just didn't come up very often.

He was understandably amazed when, lo and behold, the car _actually started_. Without flames or explosions or anything. Maybe he was wrong and this guy did have some idea of what he was doing. Upon seeing the equally surprised expression on pretty boys face though, Gojyo decided he had been right all along. This guy didn't have a bloody clue what he was doing. He had just gotten lucky, that was all.

Which was lucky for Gojyo, since he now had a ride home.

Waiting until pretty boy had taken a step back, Gojyo unceremoniously dropped the hood, letting it latch with a loud clank. Swaggering over to the passengers side, he was about to hop in, when he suddenly discovered….

The bloody door was locked.

Trying again, thinking that maybe it was a fluke, Gojyo was forced to admit that, yes, the door was locked. Looking in the window to the driver's seat, he saw a rather smug looking blonde bitch sitting behind the wheel. Watching him like one might watch a particularly interesting bug when they had nothing better to do. And just to seal the deal, the one or two droplets chose then to become a light drizzle, with a promise for more on the way.

He needed in the car, and he needed in the car _fast_.

"What the hell are you doing?! This isn't funny man, let me in already!" Already a bit damp, Gojyo began yanking at the door, hoping the vehicle was as shitty as it looked and that maybe the whole door would come right off.

Wouldn't you know it, the locks were the one thing in the entire bucket of bolts that actually worked.

"Why should I? I see nothing in it for me to give you a ride home."

Nothing in it for… what kind of demon was this guy?

"Nothing in it for you? Oh come on! It's raining out here! Can't you just do it out of the goodness of your heart?"

"I know not what heart you speak of. In fact, I'm insulted that you would even suggest such a thing."

"Yeah, I guess it was stupid to me to expect anything from a dick like you."

"My point exactly."

Gojyo was beginning to get desperate. It was cold damnit! He was getting in that car in one way or another! "Listen! I don't have anything on me at the moment…. Can't I just owe you or something?" Gojyo knew this was kind of a shot in the dark, and that he was probably going to regret this later, but at the moment it was the only thing he could do.

He saw a contemplative expression on the blonde's face. "Owe me huh? …Alright, I'll make you a deal."

"So hurry up and tell me what it is so I can agree already!"

The blonde held up one finger for him to see. "One favor. You owe me one favor, whatever I ask for , whenever and wherever I ask for it. Non-negotiable. You just have to do it."

Oh yeah. He was DEFINITELY going to regret this later. "Deal!" He yelled, practically jumping into the vehicle as the punk opened it. Slamming the door behind him and glaring at the blonde, he just knew his antennas were twisting themselves up in an outward expression of his loathing. The fucker didn't so much as twitch at his look, but then again, with a personality like his he had to be used to them by now.

Gojyo settled back in his seat in a determined sulk. This had to be THE worst day of his life, no holds barred. As cliché as that was. But, glancing over at the prick in the driver's seat, he abruptly decided that cliché's didn't seem so cliché anymore. Because he now had proof of a living being that looked like an angel, but was, without a doubt, the devil incarnate.

And he knew with utmost certainty, from this day forth, that Satan was in fact, blonde.

* * *

Sanzo ignored the death glare being fired his way from the passenger seat with relative ease, since at this point he was used to such looks being shot his way.

But he was suddenly in such a better mood than he had been a few minutes ago. Must have had something to do with the fact that Sha Gojyo, star football player, big man on campus, undeniably and irrefutably…

…Owed him BIG.

It was almost the same feeling as having some serious blackmail on someone rich and famous, not that Sanzo had ever had any. But it must be the same feeling, the utter rush of power, the ability to crush someone's entire life between your hand without effort or fear of consequences.

Oh yes. Power corrupts. But damn, did it feel good.

His warm fuzzy feelings lasted for a total of two minutes, which was still a record in Sanzo's case, sad as the fact was. Incidentally, their abrupt dissipation coincided with the first time the brakes gave out. Right at a red light with plenty of traffic coming from either direction, as fate would have it. Only a few quick swerves and two spin outs later saw the two passengers through the mess, but not without a few moments of cardiac arrest.

It took a few minutes for either of them to recover. But Sanzo didn't understand why the other felt the need to break the silence and talk about the near death experience. He wanted to leave it a few miles behind him with the massive car pileup he suspected he'd caused.

"God DAMN, what the hell was that!? Ever heard of brakes man!? We could have been killed!!"

"You think that was MY fault!? I did hit the brakes you mooch bum of a mother, they gave out! But if you think you can do soooo much better, why don't you go ahead and get your ass over here and drive!"

"Well, SORRY for assuming the brakes actually worked in this bucket of bolts! And don't tempt me, I might just decide to come over there and take over, and throw you out at the next light while I'm at it!"

"If you could get the car to stop you mean. Hell, you should be thanking me! My quick thinking and good driving were the only things that got us through that alive!"

"Oh, so that's what you call good driving? I thought good drivers actually made sure the brakes in their cars actually worked before driving them!"

"First of all, this isn't my car; it's Banri's. Second of all, I'm the one that trashed the brakes in the first place, and on purpose mind you. Why the hell would I fix them?"

"YOU trashed the brakes? Um, maybe I'm going out on a limb asking this… but WHY?! What reason could you possibly have for making this ticking time bomb even more unstable?"

"And that would be none of your business. If it's any consolation, I assure you that I'm regretting it!"

"So why don't you just fucking- wait a minute…."

"So why don't I just what? By all means, please continue."

"It suddenly occurred to me, from what I've seen today, that you know absolutely zip, zilch, and nada about cars. I'm betting you broke the brakes, then couldn't figure out how to fix them afterward, could you?"

Sanzo hated when people caught on to shit like that. It was like karma was coming back to bite him in the ass. "No, Mr. Fucking Holmes, that is not the case. How much of a fucking retard would I have to be to do something as stupid as that." Sanzo phrased it more as a statement than a question, inwardly kicking himself and his ego.

Out of the corner of his eyes, Sanzo saw those freakish antennas begin to twitch.

"You're lying, aren't you?"

"Whatever gave you that impression." Sanzo stated flatly. Turning to look at the red head this time, his eyes widened marginally at the gymnastics the feeler were doing on top of the quarterbacks head.

"…You are so full of shit. That's exactly what happened, isn't it?"

Now Sanzo was a little freaked out. He had the best poker face in the business, he knew it, he had been told plenty of times. And yet, this dumb fuck had the ability to see right through it. Sanzo's question was how? His eyes were drawn back to the antenna's, the tips of which, he noticed, were pointed in his direction. And that's when it clicked.

"What the hell, are those some sort of fucking lie detectors now?! Holy shit, what kind of creepy ass alien are you anyway?! Why didn't you just get a ride home from the mother-ship you freak, with those things it should have been easy enough to flag down!"

"So I was right then, wasn't I? You lying bastard, you couldn't fix the fucking things! And they aren't fucking antennas!"

"Why don't you just shut up before I change my mind about this ride thing and kick your ass to the curb!"

"You'd have to find a way to stop this natural disaster on wheels first and- HOLY SHIT, GET YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD!"

Sanzo jerked his attention back to the street just in time to see the bent figure of an old man directly in his driving path. Jerking the steering wheel as far to the right as it would go, Sanzo managed to avoid second-degree homicide charges, but only by about two feet.

He didn't, however, quite avoid property damage ones, as his swerve took him to and through his neighbors mailbox. Quickly feeling around, grasping, and pulling the emergency brake, Sanzo experienced a sever case of whiplash as the car came to an abrupt halt. Right in the middle of the yard of his apartment complex.

…Maybe… if he woke up and got the car out of the yard early enough, the landlord wouldn't notice?

"Ho… shit man…."

Sanzo turned to the other passenger, who was bent over in his seat fingering his forehead, which now sported a large, rather nasty looking bruise. He must have hit his head when Sanzo had put on the brakes….

Man, if there was one thing Sanzo hated even more than football, homophobes, hotdogs, stupid running backs, rent - and oh so many other wonderful things that he wouldn't go into at the moment for his sanity's sake - it was feeling guilty. Rolling his eyes heavenward, he resigned himself to an apology.

Opening his mouth to spit out the poisonous words, he thanked any God that might be up there as he was interrupted by a knock on the car window. Turning to the side, he squinted through the rain to see the very old man that he had nearly removed from the world as he knew it.

Jikaku waved cheerily at him, grinning in that psycho way of his while somehow puffing at the pipe sticking out of his mouth. Geez… the bloody thing wasn't even lit, the rain made sure of that, and the old man still had it in his mouth. Talk about addiction much?

He refused to acknowledge the unlit cigarette currently clamped between his own lips. Oh yes, denial was a wonderful thing, and was not just a river in Egypt.

Raising his own hand in a pale imitation of a way, Sanzo watched as the old man scurried back inside, dripping water and mud everywhere. But hey, when you were old as dirt, you could do shit like that, and not even get yelled at for it.

Glancing over at the passenger, he had thankfully gotten over the strange and unusual urge on his part to apologize like a decent human being. Hand resting on the handle, he averted his eyes as he addressed the football player, for all the world looking as though he were addressing himself in the rear view mirror.

"She's all yours, just drive her back here in the morning, I am so NOT walking to school tomorrow."

"Yeah, yeah… I got it already…."

He saw the form next to his shift in the seat, ready to shift over and claim the driver's side as soon as Sanzo got out. Right as he was pulling up the handle, about to make a run for it, the unthinkable happened.

The car just… stopped.

They both heard the pathetic, drawn out whine of the engine as it got slowly quieter and weaker. Turning to each other with disbelieving eyes, they looked as one toward the gas meter.

Empty. Fucking empty. Staring as though his look could miraculously fill the tank, Sanzo glared at the stupid hand in accusation, his temper boiling once more.

_STUPID FUCKING BANRI!_

Sitting there for a few silent moment, Sanzo eventually shrugged. Wasn't his problem anyway, he was where he needed to be. He could always get up a few minutes early and siphon some gas from a neighbor, at least enough to get him to school. No way that was happening in this rain though. Looks like Sha over there was just SOL.

"Okay… have fun with that." And with those parting words, Sanzo made to exit the vehicle, hopefully before any outbursts. He never got that far, a hand gripping his arm hard enough to bruise (which he did, since he bruised like a banana) pulling him up short.

"Now wait a DAMN minute man. You can't seriously expect me to sit out here all night while your sorry ass goes and sleeps in an actual bed. I know you can't seriously think that's the way this is going down."

"Actually…" Sanzo started with an unsuccessful attempt at freedom, only resulting in the redhead holding on even tighter. "That's EXACTLY what I think. Now let me go before I start screaming rape you pervert."

"Like anyone would hear or believe you. And I'm telling you here and now, if you try and make me sleep out here for the night, the deal is OFF."

THAT got Sanzo's attention. "How do you figure? You only said you wanted a ride, and I gave you a ride, you didn't specify where to."

"The deal was made on the assumption that I would make it somewhere to spend the night that wasn't a creaking load of metal and didn't feel like it would explode. Sorry man, but take it or leave it."

So maybe it was Sanzo's problem, since this guy was making it his. Bastard. Sanzo was sorely tempted to just leave him out here all night anyway, deal or no deal. But really, the opportunity to have something to hold over the prick was too much. He would just have to tough it out and find a way to make this work. Even if it meant bringing this punk into his humble abode.

"Fine… you can come up. But break anything and you'll wish you were never born."

Meanwhile, he could always spend the night thinking of especially painful ways to make the punk regret making the deal in the first place. Right now his plan involved a great deal of toothpick, the principal's statue in the school courtyard, and one rival Cho Hakkai's crotch guard….

* * *

Gojyo congratulated himself on his quick thinking in getting himself a place to stay for the night for all of two seconds. Then he got a good look at the place he was staying. After a few moments of consideration, he began questioning whether the car was actually the lesser evil.

The apartment, for lack of any better descriptor, sucked some major ass. He wasn't sure whether he could see a single area that wasn't stained, and even if he could, he wasn't sure how he would tell since all the colors were so HIDEOUS. There were cracks everywhere, most of the windows were broken, and all in all, it looked one good gust of wind away from crumbling to the ground.

Hell, the landlord would have to pay him before he'd consider setting foot in this dump. And yet, still, somehow, he had managed to back himself into spending the night in one of the less than sanitary rooms.

Sometimes, he just wanted to cut his tongue out and be done with it. He probably get in a lot less trouble without the damn thing anyway.

Ever the trooper (and used to his tongues bad habit of getting him into less than desirable situations), Gojyo sucked it up and followed the blonde inside. That and he was pretty sure there were eyes staring at him. The neighborhood was distinctly less than wholesome, and he was pretty sure the curtains of that house had just fluttered. Was he being watched? Maybe he was hallucinating, but he was pretty sure he saw a pair of red, glowing eyes in that ally over there, straight out of some lame cartoon….

He supposed he shouldn't have underestimated the insight of the cartoonists. While a bit cheesy and unbelievable on a television screen, glowing red eyes were creepy as hell in real life. Logically he knew they didn't actually _exist_ in real life, but better sage than sorry. He sped up a little bit to catch up with the blond, just in case.

Nearly running into him as well when the guy stopped in front of the doors. Pulling up just in time, Gojyo didn't want to consider the consequences of invading the guy's personal space. He'd already decided the guy was a closet sadist, there was no need to add fuel to the fire.

Without bothering to wipe his feet or drip dry on the door mat, the guy stepped inside and began his trek up towards what Gojyo assumed was his apartment. But damn… those stairs did not look safe. Cautiously putting weight on the first one, he couldn't hold back a wince at the loud creak it gave off. Or the step after it. Or the one after that. He didn't know how the hell princess was walking up them so quietly, and he voiced as much.

"It's not that hard once you get the hang of it. Really comes in useful for breaking and entering."

Gojyo really wished he hadn't asked.

Princess finally stopped in front of a door though, pushing the door open with one foot. Which drew attention to the lack of doorknob. Gojyo didn't know much about this side of town other than what he had heard at school, but he knew enough to realize that not having a doorknob might be a bad idea. Considering the area and all. Hell, not having a doorknob would be a bad idea in any area. He opened his mouth to say as much when princess shot him a glare that plainly said not to comment. And so Gojyo decided, with his future and life in mind, not to comment.

Walking in after the blonde bitch, as he had begun to think of him, Gojyo was startled by the sound of a grandfather clock chiming from somewhere. That was weird, he could have sworn it was around 9:30.…

Looking around the apartment, he could definitely tell that Banri lived here. First of all were the underwear, socks, and other assortment of clothes strewn about the apartment in what would usually be considered odd places. Such as between the seats of the couch, draped across the ficus in the corner, dangling from the rotating ceiling fan.

He swore he could even see a thong sticking out of the refrigerator door.

Blinking a few times to try and clear that imagery from his retinas, Gojyo realized he couldn't see blondie anymore, which was both good and bad. Good, because he was finally free of the attitude and the sneers, bad because he didn't know where to sleep.

Hearing a thump, Gojyo determined it came from one of the doors down a small hallway. It sort of made sense, after all, one of them had to be the bi- er, Sanzo's room. He'd better stop it with the nicknames unless he wanted to accidentally say one of them out loud. While that normally wouldn't be an issue, in this case, he chose life.

"Hey, ah, Sanzo! Where am I bunking for the night?"

"The couch, where else you idiot?"

Gojyo's eyebrows furrowed, both at the name and the implication. Couch? He hadn't seen a couch when he had come in….

Surveying the small apartment once more, his gaze finally fell across said "couch." Eyes widening before focusing into a glare, Gojyo felt the thread holding in his temper become a little strained. THAT was supposed to be a couch?

Looked more like a giant, failed attempt at making meatloaf if you asked him. He was gonna puke just from the thought of sleeping on that thing.

"If you think I'm going anywhere near that, that, disgusting waste of space, you've got another think coming!"

"Oh, quit whining, you're the one who wanted to come in in the first place! So suck it up and deal with the consequences of your actions, you noob!"

"That not consequences, that's inhumane! Unsanitary! I just assumed you'd have a place for me to stay the night without having to worry about dying in my sleep!"

"Oh get over yourself! Sleeping on that thing for one night won't hurt you! Banri sleeps there all the time!"

If that was supposed to make him feel better, this Sanzo guy was way off track. After all, Banri was a teenager, and a horny one at that. And everyone knew what teenage boys did at night when they thought nobody could hear… Gojyo wasn't going within five feet of that thing, for fear of catching an STD.

"Oh, yeah, that makes me feel sooooo much better. After all, look at how Banri turned out?"

"…Point taken. But it's that or the floor. Have fun."

Now that was just… and the punk didn't even offer him a blanket or something, the dickwad! If he thought Gojyo was going to sleep on either the couch of death or the floor, he was dead wrong! There had to be a bed in this dump somewhere, and for tonight, it had Gojyo's name on it, whether Blondie liked it or not!

Storming to the hallway, he first found a small bathroom, next a closet, before finally encountering what had to be Sanzo's room. Thankfully, it had what actually looked like a very comfortable bed in it. Unfortunately, said bed was already occupied. By one very pissed looking princess, as luck would have it.

"What do you want and why are you in my room?"

Gojyo answered without thinking. "I want a goddamn bed to sleep in and I'm here to do just that."

"Over my dead body."

"That option just keeps looking better and better."

"Oh shut up. You wouldn't have the balls."

"You'd be surprised how many balls I have! …That came out wrong."

"I really, really hope that's the case. You're a big enough freak without having mutated genitals…"

"Whoa whoa whoa. You're calling ME a freak? After you just used the word genitals? Give me a break…"

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize having a vocabulary above that of a third grader was considered unusual. Though maybe it is in a football player's case, I wouldn't know."

"What the hell do you have against football players anyway? What, did one grab a ball and shove it up your ASS sometime? It would explain a lot!"

"Actually, it more had to do with one of them wishing to shove something rather closely associated with balls up my as, as irony would have it."

On that awkward note, the room descended into uncomfortable silence. There really wasn't any way to reply to that, Gojyo thought, unless he wanted to explain how easily it was to mistake Sanzo for a girl….

Yeah. He didn't want THAT to be the last sentence of his life. Thanks, but no thanks.

But he was still a man on a mission. Gritting his jaw, he strode forward toward the bed, looking it over from top to bottom while ignoring the enraged looks from its occupant. Pretty boy was actually pretty small, now that he was really looking. A little on the short side and a bit thin… he really didn't take up much space. What's more, he was curled up pretty good on one side of the decently big bed.

Meh. There was enough room for two. Steering himself to the other side, Gojyo unceremoniously flipped back the covers and dove in, toeing his shoes off in the process. Pulling the covers over his shoulders, he determinedly faced away from Sanzo, closing his eyes. He could practically feel the indignant shock seeping from the other side of the bed. But strangely enough, the other was silent, the feeling of surprise slowly diminishing. It was a few minutes later before the other spoke.

"Well this is gay…."

"Shut up. I want to sleep in an actual bed. I'm really trying to ignore the fact that there's another dude in it. Please be quiet and help my attempted state of denial."

And, shockingly, the other did shut up. After ten minutes devoid of any noises, Gojyo wondered if the other was asleep, but he couldn't tell. But it didn't matter, he thought as his squeezed his eyes shut. What mattered was him trying to get to sleep while sharing a bed with another guy.

Which was easier, he thought in the unconscious state of dreamland, than his strictly heterosexual self was completely comfortable with.

But none of his self was comfortable about the dream he was having at the moment. Besides being a bit bizarre, it felt more like a premonition than anything else.

Right now he knew it had something to do with Sanzo, lots of toothpicks, the principal's statue in the school courtyard, and, most disturbing of all, one Cho Hakkai's crotch guard….

* * *

Sanzo decided that the two sides of his head had declared the third world war, which would really account for all the pain his head was in. Worst of all, judging by the severity of the migraine, neither side was at all worried about using atomic bombs.

Sanzo supposed that was partially his fault. After all, if he were president, life really would be simpler in America.

He'd just bomb the hell out of everywhere else on the globe, wiping out all races other than American's as the universe knew it, and claim it all as his own. It can be unanimously agreed upon that America was very lucky indeed that Sanzo had no chance of becoming president, due to a widespread disease better known as laziness. Hell, even if he did get on a ballet, he'd be too lazy to go vote for himself.

A lucky thing indeed.

In any case, he was of two minds over the whole sharing his bed with Sha Gojyo for the night thing. Half of him, which he correctly labeled as his ego, was screaming at him to kick the self-righteous bastard's ass out of his bed, threaten him with his Smith and Wesson if necessary, and generally make the guy's night a living hell.

The other half was going somewhere along the lines of "_YAHOO! ONE SEXY MAN-BITCH IN THE BED! THERE'S GONNA BE A PARTY IN THE PANTS TONIGHT, AND HELL YEAH THAT ASS IS INVITED!_"

Sanzo was rather inclined to ignore that side of his minds on the grounds that it had both used the word 'yahoo' and the phrase 'party in the pants.' He would prefer to remain under the impression that no area of his conscious OR subconscious was quite that lame.

At the same time, he was really tired, and didn't feel up to either violence or sex at the moment. Which was saying quite a bit, since those were generally his two favorite activities. Rolling over to get more comfortable, he was greeted by the sight of messy red hair strewn across his pillow. But that wasn't what caught his attention.

What caught his attention was the fact that one of the goddamn strands had drifted over, crossing the invisible line drawn in the middle of any shared bed.

The dick's hair was on HIS FUCKING SIDE.

Okay, so maybe he was being a bit anal about this all, it wasn't like Sha could really control where his hair landed, or even realized where it was at the moment. If Sanzo were truly a mature adult, he would realize all this, shrug it off, turn over, and go to sleep.

Unfortunately, he wasn't a mature adult. He was a mature teenager. Which meant a couple of things. One, he did in fact realize that this situation was not any attempt to actually annoy him on the redhead's part.

And, two, despite the fact that he realized this, he didn't particularly care. The moron had invited himself into his apartment, commandeered half of his bed, and was now taking up a small (infinitesimal) portion of Sanzo's side.

He wouldn't be able to call himself a man if he didn't do anything about it. Sitting up, he leaned over the quarterback, opening his mouth to rip him a new a-hole when he realized something. The idiot was already fast asleep.

Sanzo gaped down at the peaceful expression, thoroughly incensed at the fact that this cocksucker was so comfortable taking up Sanzo's space. He really was a spoiled brat.

So why was it that Sanzo couldn't find it in him to wake the guy up? Really, he thought, rubbing the bridge of his nose, this is ridiculous. So I'm a bit attracted to the guy, doesn't mean I like him in the least. So why couldn't he just be his usual ass of a self and dump him out of the bed.

He decided he was just too tired to be thinking about this right now. And he was too tired to deal with a fired up redhead at the moment either, which was what he would face for any stunt he was thinking of pulling. Didn't mean he wouldn't get his revenge though. Carefully picking up the criminal strand of hair that had crossed the boundary between safe territory and the war zone, Sanzo leaned over Sha once more. Tongue sticking out in concentration, it took a few minutes, but Sanzo was able to work a good portion of the stray hair between Sha's slightly parted lips.

Laying down on his side once more, Sanzo hoped the bozo would get a hairball. At the very least, he would get a nasty wake up surprise, as Sanzo knew how unpleasant it was to wake up to hair in your mouth.

Closing his eyes and, strangely enough, counting sheep that had a strange resemblance to his incarcerated roommate, Sanzo was suddenly struck by a moment of genius. Letting a slow, evil smirk grow across his face, he had to work hard to contain an evil chuckle. Oh yes, he knew EXACTLY how he was going to use that little favor Sha owed him….

His last thought before he fell asleep was spent hoping Banri was having a night of hell in jail for all the trouble he had put him through.

* * *

Banri was having the time of his life, as it were.

First of all, he had gotten a ride in a police car, which was a normal for him, but still amusing nonetheless. Especially considering the uncomfortable expressions of the police in the front seat, due to his still nude state. Priceless. Just priceless.

Then he was actually brought into the prison, normally a rather depressing affair. However, this time it was rather fun, as there was a whole group of prostitutes that had been dragged in that night as well, and the catcalls followed him all the way to his cell.

The other guys in the cell were avoiding Banri like the plague, seemingly creeped out by the small, naked, possibly homosexual kid the cops had gladly shoved within their space. Chasing them around the cell, and watching as hulky, tattooed criminals retreated from a little naki time would likely never get old.

Still, the high point of his night was when Shuei walked past, absentmindedly glancing inside the holding cell. And nearly spitting out the coffee he was sipping when he spotted a naked Banri, sitting in the middle of the cell and singing to himself cheerfully.

Collecting himself, Banri could tell Shuei was amused despite it all. "Nice fashion statement you got going on there kid. Don't tell me let me guess this one…" Shuei closed his eyes, seemingly in deep thought. "You were the punk they caught flashing an entire stadium worth of people during the football game tonight."

Banri grinned and didn't' bother denying it, his current state of undress spoke for itself. Besides that, he was rather proud of his newest accomplishment, just another check to add to his list of performed delinquencies.

Shuei was even amused enough to sneak him a doughnut, which by itself made the whole night worth it. He didn't know how they did it, but cops always managed to find the absolute best doughnuts, all golden on the outside, but soft and gooey on the inside.

Bliss. Absolute bliss.

Munching happily on his treat, Banri couldn't help but wonder how the hell Sanzo and Gojyo were gonna get home that night. He hadn't really thought about it earlier, before the whole streaking deal, but now he was honestly curious.

That reminded him, he really needed to buy some more gas when Sanzo busted him out, he had meant to do that earlier today….

Oh well. Wasn't like waiting an extra day would hurt anybody. Besides, Sanzo and Gojyo had both probably made it home just fine. Sanzo would figure out a way to get Banri's car working, and Gojyo would just bum a ride off one of his friends. Wasn't like the guy was desperate enough to bargain a ride home from Sanzo after all.

Because Banri knew better than anyone that Sanzo never did anything for free. And making a deal with that son of a bitch was probably the worst mistake of anyone's life. Just one of the things he loved about his snarky friend.

Yeah, Gojyo was smarter than that. He was probably at home right now, sleeping after having banged some hot chick and looking forward to a massive hangover in the morning.

Oh, if only he knew.

* * *

A/N: Whew! A bit shorter than I thought it would be, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Sorry everyone, I know it was a day late, but I got it out pretty fast considering… well, me. Ugh… still, you wouldn't BELIEVE the busy week I've had, I had to work my ass off to get this much done. But hopefully I'll be able to get the next chapters out a bit quicker, since I should have a bit more free time.

Anyway, I have some questions from people that I need to answer, and some stuff I feel should be clarified anyway.

About the plot of the story; yes, there will be an actual plot. Actually, the first few chapter will be building up to where the real story starts. Despite being a humor fic, this is also gonna be sort of a growing up story for the characters. Especially Sanzo and Gojyo, who are the main characters, in case you didn't already guess. Which leads me into the questions over the pairings.

Gojyo x Sanzo will be the main pairing, and just so you know, despite hints to the contrary, Sanzo will be on bottom. End of story. He is the most irritable, angsty character, so he is naturally the uke. Not to mention the fact that he is the shortest, and the most girly looking. The age thing doesn't matter. I actually think its kinda hot when the older guy is on bottom.

As for sub pairings, I already know I'm gonna do Koumyou x Shuei, just cause I think it's adorable. Yes, Koumyou is going to play a big role in this story. In the next few chapters Hakkai will come in a bit more as well. Goku doesn't come in until later in the story, but he plays a pretty big part in relation to Sanzo when he does. So hold out all you monkey lovers, he'll have his time.

And yeah… I think that's about it for right now. I can't think of anything else I need to add at the moment. Oh, but I'm still open to more suggestions for side pairings, just send any requests you have that don't mess with the main ones I've already decided on.

Once again, reviews are DEFINITELY welcome, but not entirely necessary. Thanks a bunch to those who did review though! I heart you forever!

See ya!


	3. Chapter 2

**A Matter Of Profit**

**Modern AU**

* * *

**Chapter 2 - A Male Computer Taking It Up The Ass And Loving Every Second Of It**

It was a well known fact on the shady half of town that, for all his attitude and street smarts, Sanzo was NOT a morning person. Perhaps only those who lived in the same building as him could truly appreciate his utter loathing of any time before noon, though the neighbors probably had more than an inkling.

It was pretty hard to miss the sound of an alarm clock being shot fifteen times with a small handgun until it finally "SHUT THE GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCK UP!". There had also been the incident a few weeks ago where Banri had just been able to keep him from dumping what looked like a large grandfather clock out the window…

Yes. Sanzo was not a morning person. So, he asked himself, why was he up at five o'clock in the goddamn morning?

Why, to siphon his neighbor's gas, of course.

There was no way in hell that he was walking all the way to a gas station, buying a gallon of gas to put in Banri's car so he could drive it BACK to the gas station, and buy more gas to get him and antennae boy back to the seventh level of hell, aka high school.

He didn't have enough money to buy gas anyway. He needed what he did have for rent. But it wasn't going to be used on rent, even with this little gas stunt, oh no, it was going to be used to bail Banri's ass out of the can later that day. So Sanzo could give him the beat down he deserved, before selling him into white slavery for some extra dough.

It was a nice thought, but somehow, he doubted Banri would go for much. At least if the people he was trying to sell him to met him first. Maybe though, if he sold him cheap, they would pay Sanzo to take him back in a few days…

Nah. Sanzo had three words for that little scheme. Too. Much. Effort.

It would require way more energy than he had at the moment (or ever had for that matter). He was feeling lightheaded anyway, and it wasn't because he was getting high off gas fumes either. No, his blood pressure was low in the morning, effectively lowering his IQ about fifty points. He couldn't stand it, possibly because it was the only time Banri was smarter than him.

…

Fuck that. He still had hundreds of points on that retard.

But damn, was this taking FOREVER.

He had already gotten a few gallons from the antique the old man, Jikaku, drove around. He had started with him on principle alone really, since he had this bad habit of being right in the middle of wherever Sanzo happened to be trying to drive. Annoying, that. So it was like reimbursement, in a way.

Siphoning the entire tank of gas from Hazel Grosse's new convertible, even when the tank to Banri's car was full, now that was just for spite.

* * *

When Gojyo finally did wake up, it was under the impression that he was about to die.

Why, one might ask?

It could have something to do with the wet, phlegm-filled hairball congealing in his open mouth. Gagging, sputtering, and letting out a stream of noises more suited to a choking cat, it took him a minute to hack the soaking tangle of yuck out of his mouth. Gasping for a few moments, he did his best to stay as far away from the mess as possible, without much success. It was HIS HAIR after all.

Maybe it was time to get a haircut.

His antennae gave a terrified twitch.

…Or… not…

Shaking his head, he tried to ignore the feeling that his HAIR was evolving into a sentient life form in favor of glancing around the room. Holy hell, what a dump! How drunk had he been to fuck whatever chick lived here last night, and when was his free period so he could go make sure he hadn't caught an STD…

He jumped about ten feet in the air when he heard the unmistakable sound of a door being kicked in, followed by some not so muffled cursing in a male voice that seemed vaguely familiar.

Male voice? Vaguely familiar?

…

How much HAD he drank last night, to get it on with a guy?! Mother fuck, had he been ass raped?! He shifted around a bit, just to make sure nothing down there was more sore than it should be, breathing a sigh of relief. THANK GOD.

He frowned, wondering what the hell had happened. Did that mean he had been the one sticking his junk in another guy's trunk? Maybe he's gotten lucky, and they'd only wanked, or given each other blow jobs or something.

…Hadn't really needed that imagery. He would never be clean again. He started as the door to the room crashed open, a snarling blond storming in and standing next to the bed he still occupied, arms folded angrily across his chest.

It was around that point that a lot of unpleasant memories came rushing back.

He almost wished he'd been ass raped. Buddha knew it would probably be less painful than whatever this guy had in store for him. Staring up warily, he choked down a whimper.

Next time he saw Banri, he was so punching him in the nuts.

* * *

Staring down at the waste of organic matter that was currently (still) occupying his bed, Sanzo made an attempt to cool his temper. A half assed attempt, maybe even less than that, more like a sixteenth ass attempt if anything… actually, it was kind of like using an eye dropper full of luke warm water to put out a car fire (Banri's comparison, not his)… but the point was that he tried. A little. Maybe.

Before promptly giving up, shoving his hands under one side of the mattress, and tilting it up. Coincidentally spilling a lazy kappa ass onto the concrete floor. Bastard should know better than to laze around in someone else's bed anyway, especially when he hadn't been welcome in it in the first place.

He did get a small sense of satisfaction out of the gooey blob of hair, spit, and mucus currently glued to the side of the quarterback's face though. Made putting up with him for the night worth it, at least.

"FUCK! THAT HURT, YOU DICKLICK!"

"My heart bleeds for you, truly it does. Now get your ass out of bed, I have to go bust Banri out before school starts."

"Why not just leave him there for the day, Lord knows he deserves it…"

"He'd enjoy it too much. Shuei always slips him doughnuts through the bars."

"You know the cops well enough to call them by their first names? That's a bit messed up man."

"Nobody asked you, asswipe. Now get up and out, we're leaving in five minutes. Failure to cooperate will result in death."

"Um… man, in case you've forgotten, the cars a bit low on a little something called GAS."

"It's already been taken care of." Sanzo had to turn around in an attempt to hide his smirk, though he had a feeling the redhead saw it anyway. He couldn't wait to go out and see Grosse's expression when his shiny red car wouldn't start. It might even rival the look he had when Sanzo had stuck Oreos on every available surface last month. That cream filling was hell to get off leather.

"Do I want to ask?"

"Not unless you want to be charged as an accomplice."

"Dude, what did you do?!"

"Confidential. If I told you, I'd have to kill you. Ask again, and I might anyway."

Not particularly bothered by the mutinous grumblings behind him, Sanzo made his way out of the room, trying to remember where he had left the keys last night. He had been so sure that he'd left them on the table, but when he had looked earlier, all he'd found was Banri's porn collection. Excuse him whilst he gagged. Not that he had anything against porn, it had it's uses when everyone was suddenly feeling too virtuous to get down and dirty for the night, but it was Banri's porn. Which automatically meant it was completely tasteless. Too many whips and chains.

Don't get him wrong, Sanzo liked whips and chains just as much as the next man, but there were simply some places they should NOT go. Ever. There were lines, damnit, and Sanzo was quite comfortable on his side of them, thank you.

But, back to the keys. He had already checked the table, the counter, the couch (revolting an experience as it had been), the fridge, the toilet, and the garbage disposal. Don't ask him why, it had happened before. He wasn't exactly sure how his key's came to life and moved around at night, but he had a theory about the cockroaches in this place. Mainly that they had been exposed to nuclear radioactive waste and had developed intellects close to that of humans. All that was left was for them to evolve into more humanoid bodies before they could effectively take over the world by beginning a nuclear war the likes of which only they would have the means to survive.

His living proof of this theory chose then to walk out of his room, red antennae twitching and all.

"Hey, blondie, shouldn't we be leaving? What are you doing anyway?"

Sanzo supposed it was a legit question, considering that he was currently under the table, still searching for his elusive keys. It was the damn cockroaches, he just knew it.

"Well, I can't exactly drive the car unless I have the keys, now can I?"

"You lost the keys? How the hell did you pull that off, you came in and went straight to bed!"

"Oh shut the hell up and help me look, unless you want to be late?"

"How the hell do I always get myself into these things…" It was a mumbled question, obviously rhetorical, but Sanzo felt the need to answer anyway. He was only helping. That his idea of help came in the form of pointing out the redhead's biggest, or one of his biggest, character flaws was just a coincidence.

"It might have something to do with your inability to shut your freakishly large mouth."

"What the- better to have a big mouth than a pole stuck up my ass, princess!"

Sanzo had just opened his mouth to respond, when he heard the tell-tale and ominous sound of a closing door. Namely, his neighbor's closing door, followed by footsteps.

To be one hundred percent completely accurate, the door to his neighbor Hazel Grosse's apartment closing, and footsteps heading down the hall and to directly outside his door.

Oh no. He was NOT going to deal with this today. Not when he already had one idiot wasting space in jail and another moron running off at the mouth a few feet away. He did not need a gay ass cocksucker of a jackass barging in here and wasting HIS time, breathing HIS air, and scuffing up HIS floors while in HIS apartment.

Shoving himself up against the wall and making himself as small as possible, he decided to try and wait it out and hope Grosse didn't see him hiding under the table. Hopefully the man would think he'd already packed up and gone to school, unless he decided to look out the window and saw the car was still outside. Sanzo could always hope. And no, he decided a few moments later, he did not care that he was throwing Gojyo to the metaphorical sharks.

Or shark, as it were. The comparison was quite accurate, he believed. After all, Grosse did seem to show an almost unnatural amount of teeth when he smiled, and those canines were a little too sharp for comfort.

What made the whole thing really messed up was the way Grosse always entered. Instead of slamming the door in to loudly and obnoxiously announce his presence (like Banri), or quietly sneaking in like the stalker he was, he would just open the door normally (if you ignored the lack of doorknob) and stroll in like he owned the place. Like he had every right to come in, because his company was welcome and wanted.

Which Sanzo, as the tenant of the apartment, could swear under oath was definitely NOT the case.

"Ha! I found 'em! But why the hell did you put them in the bottom of the freaking clock, not exactly the first place you would loo- WHOA!"

Sanzo rolled his eyes. What a drama queen. It wasn't like Grosse had been quiet coming in, the idiot should have heard the footsteps. Though, he supposed the redhead could have assumed it was Sanzo, wasn't like he was used to Grosse barging in out of nowhere.

"Who the hell are you?"

"Good mornin' to you as well! I'm Mr. Sanzo's neighbor, just popped in to see how he was doin'."

"Mr. Sanz- know what, not going there. But, um, have you never heard of knocking? You can't just barge into other people's homes without permission man."

I'll second that, Sanzo thought to himself. Who knew him and the brainless wonder would actually agree on something? Perhaps the world was ending.

Only the cockroaches would survive.

"If you don't mind me sayin' sir, I reckon I just did."

"Well, I 'reckon' ya should get the fuck out before I knock you and your crappy accent's teeth in!"

"My goodness, Mr. Sanzo's friends really aren't known for their manners, are they?"

"Is that right? Well beggin' your fuckin' pardon!"

Were they ever going to shut the fuck up? Sanzo dragged a hand down his face, already getting a headache from Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dumb's fighting. He almost wished it would hurry up and get violent, anything was better than listen to their inane comebacks.

At least they were both distracted and not paying attention to him. Maybe, if he timed it right, he could slip out without either of them noticing. He levered himself to his hands and knees, plotting his course. Okay, the table could hide him for a few feet, and if he was careful, he could probably make it behind the couch without either of them the wiser. From there, it was open floor, so he'd have to make a run for it. He tried to comfort himself with the fact that if he made it in his car, Grosse wouldn't be able to catch him.

But the kappa had his keys, damn it.

He sighed. He'd just have to grab him on the way out and hope for the best.

* * *

Gojyo wasn't really sure what had happened to be honest. One minute he was arguing with a GAYLORD cowboy who could have been straight off of Brokeback Mountain - or maybe it was Bareback Mountain, seemed more appropriate - and the next he was being dragged out the door, down the stairs, across the yard, and shoved into the passenger seat of Banri's piece of shit.

Needless to say, he was a little disoriented. Which was probably why he didn't argue when blondie told him to give him the keys. By the time he finally thought to protest the fact that the maniac was the one behind the wheel again, it was far too late.

Gulping, he fastened his seatbelt (what was left of it) and braced himself for impact. Because impact had to be coming, he had a huge ass bruise on his forehead to testify that. It was just a matter of where and when.

Thankfully, the police station wasn't very far away, maybe a mile or so. Gojyo wondered if they had built it there just to be closer to Sanzo and Banri's apartment, since they visited so often. It was a thought.

He knew blondie could go in on his own, and he didn't really have the urge to see Banri in his birthday suit, but sitting alone in that vehicle just seemed to be asking for it to spontaneously combust. So, he bit his tongue, got out, and tried to follow Sanzo as unobtrusively as possible, despite the fact that he wasn't really comfortable walking into a jail. He didn't think any teenager that had had sex in as many public places as him would be.

He couldn't say he was expecting the warm welcome they received. Well, Sanzo, not him, but still.

"Hey, long time no see kid! The usual?" A kinda scruffy looking cop held up a cup of coffee, giving Sanzo a wink before handing the cup over. Maybe Gojyo's brain was short circuiting or something, but he was pretty sure cops weren't supposed to offer people coffee, and people weren't supposed to know them well enough to have usuals. This just kept getting more and more messed up.

"Thanks Shuei. Is he in the back cell?"

"As always. Here, take the keys, you can get him out yourself. The other inmates are all to scared of catching his gayness to pull anything."

Sanzo gave a snort, before taking the offered keys and walking through a door to their right. Leaving Gojyo behind.

All alone.

In a room full of cops.

He could feel sweat breaking out on his forehead from the smirks he saw directed towards him. He didn't like this. Oh no, not one bit.

"So…" the scruffy cop stood up, circling him in the same way he imagined a hungry vulture might. "I'm gonna take a guess and say you're our Sanzo's new 'friend.'"

His mouth opened, letting out a rather high pitched and nervous laugh before he managed to clamp it shut. "Um, yeah. We're friends all right! Best of friends, peas in a pod, compadres, practically inseparable! As friendly as two friends could possibly be!"

It didn't really occur to him what exactly the cop had meant when he said "friend."

"Is that right? Well then, you won't mind if we ask you a few questions then, will you?" Suddenly there was a cop on either side of him, a beefy hand on each shoulder, and he was being forcibly steered into a chair, the scruffy cop leaning against a desk in front of him.

"After all, we don't want are Sanzo hanging out with the wrong sort, now do we boys?"

There was a chorus of agreement from the room. Gojyo could have opened his big fat mouth and told them where they could shove that sentiment, considering Sanzo's usual choice of companions was Banri of all people, but he wasn't feeling quite that brave (or stupid) at the moment.

After all, they had him outnumbered. And some of them were pretty big, and ripped. And they had guns.

BIG guns.

So he chose life and managed to keep from shooting his mouth off. He settled for a terrified nod.

It was just his luck that blondie would have a department of policemen acting as overprotective parents, wouldn't it?

He should have stayed in the car, spontaneous combustion or not.

* * *

Absentmindedly fiddling with the keys in his hand, Sanzo wondered whether he should have warned the idiot red-head about Shuei and the other cops. After all, he knew how protective the bunch could be (a freaking club of mother hens…), and what conclusions they would draw after seeing Sanzo walk into the station with another tall, attractive (much as he hated to admit it), fit male. Shuei had known about Sanzo's preferences for ages, though how Sanzo had no clue, since Banri still hadn't guessed. And naturally, if Shuei knew, the whole station knew.

So Sanzo was pretty sure they were all under the impression that Gojyo was his latest "boy toy."

And he was equally as sure that they were spending their time alone interrogating him like a father would on his daughters first date.

However annoying it was to be treated like a female and to have assumptions made about his love life, he couldn't help but feel amused at the poor red-heads predicament. It had been obvious enough coming into the station that the quarterback wasn't comfortable in the first place, and adding this on as well…

He would never know what had hit him.

Sanzo did his best to hold back a gleeful chuckle. Schadenfreude at its finest.

His delight at the kappa's suffering aside, he couldn't help but raise an incredulous eyebrow as he approached what had been dubbed by all at the precinct as "Banri's Cell." Some cutesy jackass had even thought it would be funny to hang a sign next to the barred door stating just that sentiment. God, Banri and the cops here really needed a life. Preferably ones that didn't overlap as often as the pitiful-excuses-for-things-that-Sanzo-wasn't-going-to-refer-to-as-lives did now.

Stopping in front of the door, Sanzo groaned as he realized exactly what he'd forgotten on his mad dash out of his apartment that morning. A set of clothes. Because, obviously, Banri was still naked, as it were.

Growling low in his throat in displeasure, which just happened to catch Banri's attention, the keys dangling limply from his fingers. He let his eyes roam to the other cowering occupants of the cell appraisingly, wondering if he could scare one into lending Banri his clothes for the day. Not likely, considering the defensive, homophobic state they were in at the moment.

Banri tended to have that effect on people, after all.

"And you wonder why I try not to leave you alone for over five minutes?" Sanzo began, his tone droll.

"Ah, he-ey, Sanzo, buddy… how's it going?"

Sanzo's eyes focused on the air directly above Banri's irritating face. "How's it going, he asks? How's it going - as if he didn't do exactly what he said he wasn't going to do last night. Stranding me at the school stadium after dragging me to a game I didn't want to go to. Forcing me to give his 'buddy' from the football game a ride and a roof for the night. Expecting me to spend the little money I have busting his pathetic excuse for an ass out of jail when I need it to pay this month's rent. And he has the nerve to sit there, shamelessly naked, and ask me how it's going. Now, the question is, does he really want to know how it's going?"

"Um… yeah?"

Sanzo sighed. Why the hell did he even bother?

* * *

Gojyo had never thought he would be grateful to see the blond bitch. But, as the situation stood, when that lovely, grumpy face came into view, he could hear the Halleluiah Chorus.

Anything to end the interrogation. He hadn't even been drilled so hard the first time he had taken Hooran out for the night… and she had three older, overprotective brothers.

But these guys were cops, and had big sticks, bigger guns, and the innocent little flower they happened to be protecting was one of the two most feared guys at high school. Oh yeah, that just SCREAMED "delicate."

But he was finally let up off that hard, probably made to be that uncomfortable chair, and he could have kissed the guy. However, before he did anything potentially embarrassing and/or suicidal, he caught sight of the person walking behind Sanzo. Mainly, one Banri.

Mainly, one Banri still but ass naked.

Throwing his hands over his eyes at the trauma, he promptly collapsed to the floor, writhing and screaming.

"AAGH! MY EYES! THEY BURN! I SHALL NEVER SEE AGAIN!"

"Well, you heard the cockroach. Someone find some clothes for this little dick lick, unless you all want me to take him to school like this?"

He heard the sound of about ten chairs being pushed back at once, and frantic footsteps moving all over the room. Looks like the cops were just as eager to cover up Banri's assets as Gojyo when it came down to it. Though who could blame them for not really wanting THAT eyeful.

After all, it was BANRI.

Ew.

Gojyo refused to open his eyes until Banri was one hundred percent NOT-nude. Luckily, he didn't have to wait long before something suitable was found.

Getting into the car, he did have the notion that going to school in a bright orange prison jumper was not going to help Banri dispel the nickname Jailbait.

* * *

Sanzo couldn't help but sulk as he sat in the passenger seat, where he had been unceremoniously banished. Thanks to the cockroach swearing that his driving would get them all killed and Banri's insistence to drive his own car. He had been outnumbered and outvoted, but that didn't mean he was happy about it.

At least the kappa would get what he deserved when he had a taste of Banri's driving. Sanzo was mild in comparison, but some lessons had to be learned the hard way, he supposed.

There was no way to get used to sudden death by frozen brakes though. Now that he thought about it, he should probably be thankful that Banri hadn't gotten hauled into jail more than he already did, considering his long line of driving infractions…

He snorted, leaning his head back against the crappy headrest. This day was probably going to be just as crumby as the rest of the week had been, and same for tomorrow and the day after that.

Though it did make him feel better when he looked in the rearview mirror, catching sight of the football player in back. Mainly because of the uncomfortable glances he kept shooting at the blowup doll on the seat next to him.

His good mood lasted until Banri parked in the school parking lot, the brakes actually working for once. All Sanzo could see was the bright yellow bus parked up near the doors, reading HOUTO PRIVATE ACADEMY along the side.

How obnoxious. The private school brats were invading. Not that Sanzo had any personal vendetta against them or anything (not like the red head in back seemed to have against their quarterback, if rumors were to be believed), but he couldn't stand any of them on principle alone. Had to do with them having more money than they knew what to do with while others could barely scrape by.

Others meaning him.

But whatever. He'd avoid them, they'd avoid him, they'd have a working relationship. One where they didn't look at each other, talk to each other, or even acknowledge the others existence.

Man, was this day gonna suck some major ass. Still, for once the dreary rain cloud know as a day of education in Chang-An Public High School had a silver lining.

Gojyo owed him BIG.

And Sanzo knew exactly what he wanted. He managed to hold back an evil laugh.

Mostly.

* * *

Gojyo stared in horror at the huge, yellow, transportation vehicle driven by Satan himself.

What the hell were those rich, snobby, upper-class punk asses doing at HIS school? And why the hell hadn't his brother warned him? Surely he must have known about something like this, since he hung out with Hotou's little mascot, Kougaiji, himself.

But then again, his brother was a big enough jackass that, had he known, he probably wouldn't have told Gojyo out of plain spite. Yeah, that sounded about right.

He just prayed to God that _Cho_ wasn't one of the snobs visiting. He didn't want to get in trouble for punching him in the face the day after a game, after all. A crappy ass game that he had ended up losing in double overtime. Because if that Cho smirked at him even a little, well…

He would not be responsible for his actions. There was only so much a guy could be expected to take, after all. Their bitch of a principal could understand that, right?

Struggling to get his defective seatbelt unbuckled, he practically flew out of the car, ready to dash headlong into the suddenly not so gloomy looking school and put the two rejects behind him out of sight and out of mind. A few steps in to said mad dash however, he found the air practically torn from his aching throat as a cruel, unfeeling hand grabbed the back of his collar. In a wipeout of epic proportions, he found himself on his back in the school parking lot, ears ringing from a firm smack on the back of the head and lungs gasping for air.

When his vision finally decided to stop swimming, he found himself looking up into a sneering violet glare.

"You didn't really think I'd let you run off without paying me back, did you? Oh no, no Sha Gojyo…" The blonde's voice was almost a purr as he leaned over Gojyo's shivering carcass. "You owe me. And I intend to call in your debt, here and now."

Gojyo gulped, partially out of fear and partly from… no way in hell was he going to call it arousal! It's just that a face that, er… fine! A face that gorgeous had no right purring at him while leaning down in such a suggestive manner when threatening him! It wasn't right!

And the evil smile curling the lips wasn't making him any less nervous either!

When he was fairly confident he wouldn't slur, croak, or squeak he finally responded. "And… what exactly do I have to do to, ah, 'repay this debt' thingie?"

The blonde head finally leaned back, giving him some space to breath. Sitting up, he coughed a few times, nearly going into a fit when Banri took it upon his meddling self to pound his back. "Helping," he called it. Yeah right. His attention wasn't allowed to leave the blonde for long though.

"What I want you to do… is really quite simple, actually. You know Dr. Ni, correct?"

"Who doesn't?" Gojyo replied uneasily. EVERYONE knew Dr. Ni, even if they didn't have the weirdo's class. He was one of the science teachers at Chang-An, and was definitely the most eccentric teacher in the entire school. The man could fill the role of mad scientist any day of the week.

And then there was that rabbit he carried around with him. A creepy little stuffed bunny that he dressed in a different little outfit each week, carried around with him everywhere, was constantly fiddling with, and even talked to occasionally.

Textbook definition of psycho, that one was. What Gojyo wanted to know was what the hell he had to do with anything.

"Then I'm going to assume you also know about his little companion then?"

"If you're talking about that creepy-ass stuffed rabbit, I only see it every day in biology. Why?"

"Well, that's what I want."

"Pardon?"

"You heard me?"

"What are you…" Oh no. He couldn't mean… that was just…

"I see from the look on your face that you understand me. But just to make myself one hundred percent clear… yes. To pay me back for giving you a ride to and from school, and for giving you a place to sleep overnight, I want you to steal Dr. Ni's stuffed rabbit for me."

"You're insane!" Gojyo felt a hysterical laugh creeping up his throat at the utter _wrongness_ of the situation. "I mean, seriously, INSANE! I'd have to be crazy to do something like that! To steal something that belonged to that freak! Are you trying to get me killed, is that it?"

He let himself fall back so he was laying on the ground once more, his gaze firmly fixed on the sky above him. "No. I won't do it. Sorry, but find someone else to do your dirty work."

"You assume I'm giving you a choice." Red eyes shifted over, narrowing at the almost amused look on the bastard above him.

"What do you mean? I do have a choice, whether I owe you or not. And I'm saying NO."

"Well then, I suppose I have no other option." Gold strands of hair glinted as Sanzo shook his head, sighing in a fake morose manner. "But I wonder what the rest of the school will think, when they here that star quarterback Sha Gojyo spent the night in another guy's bed, and that it was all his idea-"

"Fuck!" Gojyo practically snarled, sitting up. "Alright already! I get the point! It's either risk… this, or total and abject humiliation. Got it, fine. You win!" He ran a hand down his face, sighing. "So, how long do I have to do this?"

The answer was prompt. "By the end of the day. If you don't get an opportunity, I'll consider giving you tomorrow as well. But after that..."

"Yeah, yeah, welcome to gay world, land of the lisps and fake leather, got it." Gojyo finally forced himself to stand up, groaning as his back popped in several interesting ways. "So, any particular reason you want this bunny? Teacher fail you or something?"

"Oh, no, I've never actually had him." The bitch answered easily, not even turning back as he started walking towards the school with Banri. "It just sounded like fun. For me, that is."

…

Gojyo couldn't even think of a word bad enough to express what exactly he thought of _THAT_.

* * *

Two hours and one slept through math period later, Sanzo and Banri found themselves in the computer lab. Technically they were in some gay ass course called graphic design or some shit, and were supposed to be making a fake pamphlet for something or another that was going to make up a quarter of their grade.

What they were actually trying to do was make an e-bay account, without much success, as it were.

"Okay, name… Banri the Bad Ass Mother Fucker! Oh, damn, too long…. Um, how about Banri the Magnificent! No, that just sounds gay… Banri the Awesome! Banri the Kick Ass! Banri the Gallant! Banri the-"

"Do you even know what 'gallant' means?"

"No, but it sounds tight, don't you think?"

"Shut up and just type in your name like a normal, half-sane person."

"Fine. Grouchy git. Now, what comes next…."

Sanzo shook his head, turning back to his own computer. He had run a search for grandfather clocks, trying to figure out how much the one Banri's grandmother had given him might go for. He wasn't having much luck, since you actually had to know some stuff about the clock before you could price it. Like, say, how old it was, who made it, what style it was made in, etc…

Oh, and it helped if the damn thing _actually worked_.

Sanzo sighed. Rubbing the bridge of his nose, he tried to ignore the angry cussing coming from his right, as apparently Banri was too much of a retard to even fill in his information to start an account right…

"God damn it… this computer is having sex with men!"

Sanzo choked, shooting Banri a narrow glance from the corner of one eye. "…You mean the computer's being gay?"

"That's what I said, isn't it!?"

"Not exactly."

"I believe I stated in an exceptionally clear manner that the computer was having sex with men."

"That doesn't necessarily mean it's gay."

"How do you figure?"

"Well, what if it's a female computer?" Sanzo couldn't believe he was actually arguing about this.

"Fine. This male computer is having sex with men."

"Not good enough. Some straight guys have sex with men just because they're curious."

"This sexually unconfused male computer is having sex with men."

"…But maybe he's just drunk and topping whatever hole he can find at the time, and doesn't realize that it's male?"

"Alright, a bottom then. This sexually unconfused male computer is taking it up the ass from a man."

"But what if he's not willing? That sort of thing happens you kno-"

And finally Banri cracked.

"ALRIGHT ALREADY! THIS TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY SEXUALLY UNCONFUSED COMPUTER IS TAKING IT UP THE ASS FROM A MAN AND LOVING EVERY SECOND OF IT! THERE, HAPPY!?"

Looking round at the shocked, horrified, and occasionally freaked out faces of his classmates and teacher as they stared at Banri, Sanzo only had one thing to say.

"It would have been easier just to call the computer gay."

* * *

Somehow, Gojyo had managed to make it into his second period without running into either Sanzo, Banri, or Cho, so he was in a pretty good mood. Despite the fact that his second period was biology, with the insane Dr. Ni as the resident nutty professor.

His good mood lasted until a minute or two after role call, when he finally noticed.

The bunny was staring at him.

Oh, yeah, he could practically hear his brother's voice in his head, saying something along the lines of "How the hell can the bunny stare at you? It's not even alive! It's eyes are made of black beads, for God's sake, not even the white ones with the black dots inside. Stop being a paranoid little fag and pull your head out of your ass!"

…Even in his head his brother was a dick.

But it didn't matter what the brother in his head said, because he could fucking tell the bunny was fucking staring at him!

One thought ran through Gojyo's mind at that moment.

_It knew._

He wasn't sure how, or even if it was possible for an inanimate object to know anything in consideration of the fact that they didn't have brains - but all that aside, somehow, the bunny had found out. It was in on the fact that Gojyo had to steal it at some point today, and it was mocking him with the knowledge. It's beady eyes were piercing through his defenseless flesh, reading his every thought. It bloody fucking _knew_.

But still, he tried to ignore it. He joked with his football friends as usual, pretended to be quiet and listen when Dr. Ni got that creepy I'll-fuck-with-your-innards look on his face. He even took the occasional note, if drawing breasts and Banri dying from the untimely lawn dart accident could be considered notes… But all the while he was aware of the black eyes on his back, never moving, never blinking.

And finally he couldn't take it anymore.

Standing up, knocking his chair to the floor, he pointed a shaky finger at the stuffed animal. "STOP FUCKING STARING AT ME YOU PINK FLUFFY PLUSHY FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL!"

It was a slow process, but eventually reality did sink into Gojyo's consciousness, making him aware of several things at once.

One: The bunny was in fact an inanimate object and had not been staring at him. His own feelings of panic and guilt were getting to him.

Two: He had just humiliated himself in front of the entire class, the entirety of which was staring at his still pointing form, mouths agape.

Third: Dr. Ni still had that creepy as hell smile on his face.

None of this boded well. He lowered his finger slowly, as if the pace would make the movement any less conspicuous. His hand found it's way into his hair as he scratched the back of his head sheepishly, a large, nervous grin stealing across his face.

"Um… my bad?"

A minute or two later, he was slumping through the halls, one pink detention slip clutched in his fist.

This was all that bastard of a blonde's fault.

* * *

Out of nowhere, Sanzo sneezed.

And he wasn't just talking a normal little piffle of a sneeze (had he just thought the word piffle?), but the grand daddy of all sneezes, in which body liquids flew, the head was thrown forcibly forward, and the sound was a close cousin to that of a foghorn.

Yeah, Sanzo had one hell of a sneeze. Ignoring Banri's less than helpful noises and disgust and dismay (as Sanzo had been pointed at him when the untimely sneeze had made its appearance), Sanzo took a discreet look around the classroom.

But, of course, there were no cats in sight, not that Sanzo had been expecting to see one. Still, he usually only sneezed when there were cats around… Whatever. He wasn't going to think about it that much. He shrugged his shoulders and got on with life.

He stood up when he heard the lunch bell ring, fully intending to go kick the shit out of some punk and steal his lunch, when something grabbed his arm. Namely, Banri. Usually such an infraction of his personal space would have provoked a right hook upside the head, but since the little turd was still covered in his saliva, Sanzo let it go. Just this once though. Couldn't have Banri thinking he was going soft.

Give the guy a place to sleep for the night, and he'll bum off you for years to come. Sanzo had learned that lesson on limitations the hard way.

"What?"

"Sanzo, just had a killer idea. We need to ditch lunch to do it though."

"Killer idea, you? Please, spare me. Besides, I'm fucking hungry."

"Come on man, have I ever led you wrong before?"

"YES. Countless times."

"Oh for the love of - listen, it's a way to earn some quick cash so we don't get booted to the curb when it's time to pay the rent. Just go with it, okay?"

"…Seriously can't wait till after lunch?"

"Seriously can't wait till after lunch."

"…Oh, _fine_. Let's get out of here before somebody notices we're missing."

"Okay, but first, we need to make a quick stop at the drama department's costume room…"

Sanzo did not want to know. He really didn't want to fucking know.

* * *

And yet, there he was, immersed in a sea of fake fur and tacky sequins, watching Banri plow his way through box after box of lame, high-school quality costumes. Excuse him whilst he contained his overwhelming excitement and enthusiasm.

He still had no idea exactly what it was Banri was looking for, but had decided not to ask, for fear of becoming even more involved than he already was. He barely managed to duck in time as an Indian headdress flew past his face. But he didn't comment.

Not even when Banri gave the Egyptian rack a look of speculation.

Not even when found a pair of really old underwear.

Not even when he picked out a floor length fur coat for himself. In leopard print.

When he held up a short, leather miniskirt in Sanzo's direction, squinting as if trying to visualize, now THAT was where Sanzo drew the line.

"WHAT the hell are you even doing? And put that thing back where you found it!"

"Man, it's all part of the 'plan.'"

"Well the plan can go straight to hell if it involves that thing coming anywhere near me! What the fuck is the 'plan' anyway?"

"It's quite simple really." Banri stated in a matter-of-fact tone, sticking his head back in a box to look around some more. "I'm going to pimp you out."

Sanzo was really lucky he was leaning against a wall for that little bomb, because otherwise he might have fallen from sheer shock.

"_Excuse me?!_"

"You heard. I am going to be your pimp, dress you up in a tiny, sexy little number, and shamelessly sell your body on a street corner somewhere."

Sanzo didn't have time to register the last part of the sentence before he had Banri held up against a wall, his hands buried in the collar of his t-shirt. Sanzo's face was up close and personal, a furious snarl pulling up one side of his mouth.

"_And what the hell gave you the idea that I would go along with this?!_"

"Uh… the desire not to live in a cardboard box?"

Sanzo paused.

As much as he hated to admit it… Banri had a point. He let him down off the wall, his arms crossing across his chest as he gave the boxes a dark look. Pulling an exasperated hand down his face, he finally resigned himself to the fact.

He was seriously going to let himself be dressed up in a tiny, sexy number, and be pimped out by Banri on a street corner somewhere.

The things he did to avoid living in a box.

With one last sigh, he bowed his head before fate and the looming threat of homelessness with only a token protest.

"Just… no skirts."

* * *

Gojyo just managed to slam himself behind the water fountain before Cho spotted him coming around the corner. Banged his head against the brick something awful, but it was worth it to avoid interaction with his mortal enemy.

Hiding couldn't drown out his smug, cultured voice though, much to Gojyo's disgust.

"…really, just so delighted for the opportunity to visit your school, Principal Bosatsu. It's a real experience to see life from the other side, if you will."

Little prick was talking to their principal, and actually using her last name. Lame much? Most people didn't even use her proper first name, Kanzeon. Mostly they just called her Kannon…

But trust Cho to be a pansy and get all proper about it.

Kanzeon's voice was droll and unimpressed when she answered though, which was a point in her favor as far as he was concerned. "So nice to hear. Really. Anyway, I was told that you finished all the planned activities on your schedule?"

"Why yes. I visited all the classrooms, but I didn't find anything that really caught and kept my attention enough to linger…"

"Of course… well, in that case, I suppose you won't mind helping me out a little, will you?"

"P-pardon?" Gojyo felt a slow grin stretch across his face. Losing the game yesterday? A huge blow to his pride. Dealing with blondie last night? Torture in and of itself. Having to steal Dr. Ni's stuffed rabbit later today? Suicide at its most pathetic.

Watching his kick-ass principal pull one over on Cho Hakkai? Priceless.

Something's money can't buy. For everything else, there's karma.

"You heard me rich boy. Here you are."

"But I really think that-"

"-You should make yourself useful as long as you insist upon taking up my time and space? How considerate of you. Now, here's what I need you to do; take those files down to the drama teacher's room, Mr. Zakuro, in case you're wondering. After that, I'll need you to go to the costume room and find the box labeled 'Medieval Costumes' and bring them down to me at the office, we're loaning them to the children's theatre downtown. After that, I'll give you your next assignment, alright?"

"B-b-but…"

"Really darling, so nice of you to help. I'll see you in a few minutes!"

Gojyo listened, practically in ecstasy, as Cho stuttered for a few more minutes, obviously not sure what had just happened. He left soon enough though, allowing Gojyo to come out from behind the fountain and begin his dreary trudge back to Dr. Ni's room.

Suddenly detention didn't look quite so gloomy.

After all, wasn't like it was manual labor. He bit back a chuckle at Cho's expense.

* * *

"Dude, you are not going to believe this."

Sanzo shot Banri an annoyed glance for distracting him from his accessorizing. He had finally found an outfit that wouldn't be completely mortifying to wear, and was just adding on the finishing touches, when he had to go and open his loud mouth. Couldn't he see Sanzo was _concentrating_?

He didn't want to think about how gay he was acting…

Grudgingly he stood up from his crouch, making his way over to where Banri was… leaning over a toy chest?

"What is that?"

"Sanzo, I think I just found where that science teacher gets all his outfits for that bunny of his."

Intrigued despite himself, Sanzo leaned over to get a better look at the contents of the chest. And immediately wished he hadn't.

"That's… more than a little creepy." He said, staring down at the stacks upon stacks of doll clothes, most of it pink, frilly, and vomit-worthy. Oh yeah, this was definitely worthy of Ni.

"Creepy, obsessive, perverted… take your pick." Banri said below him. Then, he did a very stupid thing. He started looking through the clothes. Sanzo watched in mute horror as the perfectly pressed and stacked material was strewn on the floor around the chest, wrinkled and wadded, at the mercy of Banri's grubby fingers.

"Are you mental?! Ni's gonna freak when he sees this!"

"Like he's gonna freak when Gojyo actually steals his bunny?"

"Erk, well, that's… what I mean to say is…"

"Oh, cut the crap. You just did it so Gojyo would get in trouble."

"…Your point?"

"Didn't have one. Think it's funny as hell. Besides, there's no way for Ni to know that it was us."

"First of all, not us, you. Second, I wouldn't put it past the guy to do DNA testing if the stories are true…"

"That's right, you've never been in his class, have you?"

"Nope. So tell me, how bad is he?"

"Hey, I actually like the guy."

"Somehow… that doesn't make me feel better. Not at all."

"Oh, get stuffed."

Sanzo's mouth was open, ready and waiting to tell Banri exactly what he was going to get stuffed with if his little scheme worked out, when he froze. Grabbing Banri's shoulder to get him still for a second, he strained his ears.

And heard the distinct sound of footsteps heading towards the door.

With a muffled curse, he dragged Banri back away from the wreckage he had made of the entire room, shoving him behind a clothes rack before joining him. Personally, he was not in the mood to be caught red-handed and shipped off to detention any time soon.

Or killed by that freak of a science teacher.

He held his breath as the door opened, feeling Banri shift a little next to him. He elbowed him in the gut, not enough to hurt, but to get the point across. It would suck if Banri gave them away by yelling or moving too much.

He didn't hear the startled exclamation he was expecting at the sad state of the dressing room, only some angry sounding muttering.

"Why yes, of _course _I'd be happy to help you principal Bosatsu! Yeah, help you off a cliff… Crappy school, can't even keep their costumes straight… honestly, what a mess! - Who just leaves clothes out like this… where is that fucking box?"

Leaning forward slightly, Sanzo was able to peer through a crack in the multitude of fabric before him enough to see their untimely visitor approach the trunk holding the doll clothes.

He was also able to see the shadow that fell across the door, suspiciously scruffy and lab coat shaped.

Oh shit.

Sanzo's eyes went wide as he watched Dr. Ni walk through the door, talking to his stuffed bunny about the outfit they were gonna dress him up in today. He was therefore witness to Ni's reaction as he noticed the mess made of the costume room. A mess that partially consisted of the very doll clothes he had been about to dress his rabbit up in.

And he watched as Dr. Ni took in who he now identified as one Cho Hakkai standing in the middle of the mess. Obviously guilty.

"DETENTION. OFFICE. NOW." The Dr. said lowly, the tone much more dangerous than it would have been had he been screaming. For once, the Dr. wasn't smiling. Needless to say, in the face of such rage, Cho didn't even bother to argue before booking it out the door.

Dr. Ni stared at the mess for a few minutes, his face absolutely blank, before his eyes performed a quick search of the entire dressing room. Sanzo's heart nearly stopped when those eyes alighted on where he and Banri were hiding, seeming to linger for a moment before moving on. He couldn't begin to describe his relief when the man finally left, thanking whoever was up there that Banri hadn't given them away.

They wasted no time in getting out of their hiding place and gathering their 'borrowed' stuff, running out of the room and the school at a full sprint. As far as Sanzo was concerned, he could change in the car, never mind how difficult that would be with Banri driving. All he wanted was to put as much room between him and that… madman as possible.

He did enjoy life after all. Well… most of the time.

…Okay, sometimes.

…So maybe he didn't enjoy life so much.

Didn't mean he wanted to lose it.

Especially not to a freak whose best friend was a stuffed bunny.

* * *

Gojyo couldn't believe how rotten his luck was, sometimes. As if it weren't enough that he had detention, a detention that was his best chance to steal a certain stuffed rabbit for a certain pissy blonde, with said rabbits owner being a crazy science teacher that was rumored to use students in some of his creepy experiments.

Let it be said, Sha Gojyo was way to hot to be anybody's experiment.

But, anyway; as if that weren't enough, said teacher walks in to their detention, LATE, and who follows him in but the biggest anti-Gojyo advocate in the entire world?

That's right, Cho Hakkai was apparently serving detention with him this fine afternoon. He would attempt to restrain his jumps of joy.

…

Well, so far so good.

But dear God, was he bored. Ni wasn't even making them do lines, or clean, or anything at all. He was just watching them sit there as he whispered quietly to his bunny, eyes on the students at all times.

Frankly, it had been some scary shit at first, as Gojyo imagined the kinds of things he was talking to his bunny about. Namely, ways to draw out Gojyo's death in the longest and most inventive ways that mind could come up with. It was a chilling thought.

Especially since his rage now would be nothing compared to when he found his bunny had been stolen.

And Gojyo still had no idea how he was going to pull that little stunt off either.

But someone up there must have like him at least a little, because heaven smiled down upon Gojyo a minute later. Heaven smiling down happened to come in the form of a phone call.

Ni finally stopped muttering and answered the phone, listening for a minute before giving an affirmative grunt. Placing the phone back on its cradle, the teacher set the bunny down on his desk. He stretched as he got up, before addressing the two students.

"Okay, the principal needs me down in the office stat to help her out with some mix up over chemical orders. You two are going to stay here and continue your detention. And I swear, you take one step out that door, and your grandchildren will regret it." Finished with his words of encouragement, the man swept out of the room, lab coat flapping behind him.

Leaving his rabbit behind.

Gojyo saw his chance, and he took it. He was out of his seat and at the desk in front in record time, hand reached out to claim the small plushy. Unfortunately, he had forgotten that Cho was in the room as well. At least, he forgot until the prick spoke up, right before his hand came in contact with the rabbit's fur.

"Just what are you doing, exactly?"

"None of your business, that's what!" Gojyo snapped, grabbing the rabbit by the head and holding it away from his body. Hey, he didn't know where it had been…

"That's funny, because if you're taking that rabbit, I would say that it is very much my business!" Cho stated, getting up and making his way toward Gojyo, eyes narrowed. Gojyo took a step back before catching himself and standing his ground.

"Why don't you just keep your nose out of it, fucker!"

"Not a chance. I've already gotten in trouble once today because somebody else was a complete moron, and I'm not going to let it happen again!"

"Good for you, mama's boy! Too bad there's nothing you can do about it!" Gojyo sneered, waving the bunny in front of the brunettes face.

"I beg to differ." With that, Cho reached up, firmly latching onto one of the stuffed rabbit's feet.

"Fuck!" Gojyo tugged and yanked, trying to get the animal back. "Let go!"

"Not a chance." Cho pulled back.

Soon Gojyo found himself in the midst of a rather consuming tug-a-war with his most hated rival, only instead of a rope, they had a stuffed bunny. A bunny that Gojyo fucking needed, if only the little pansy would mind his own business!

Absorbed in their competition, the boys didn't notice when footsteps trailed back down the hall, only aware of the teacher's return when the man stepped through the door.

"Well, that's taken care of, and I hope you boys listened to m- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!"

As fate would have it, the rabbit chose that moment to tear in half, sending both boys tumbling to the floor, stuffing flying through the air and drifting towards the ground.

Lying there, is little bits of white fluff and rabbit ruins, all Gojyo could do was look across the battlefield into the face of Cho Hakkai, the expression on his face remarkably similar to the one Gojyo was sure he was sporting.

_Oh shit._

Ironic that it was now, when they were about to die, that they found something to agree on.

* * *

Sanzo shifted, wincing at the squeak of the tight leather pants he was wearing, uncomfortable and grumpy. This had to be Banri's stupidest idea ever, and yet here he was, going along with it as usual.

It brought to mind the question of who was the bigger idiot. The idiot, or the idiot who followed the idiot.

He didn't want to know the answer to that.

But there was no use crying over it now; he had agreed to this scheme, and would admit to being desperate enough to sleep with a stranger for some cash. He had to pay the rent, after all, though he did take a moment to wonder why it couldn't be Banri's ass they were selling for a few bucks.

One quick glance over at Banri's smug little mug answered that question quickly enough.

Sanzo shook his head, trying to find a comfortable position. Between the leather pants, high heeled boots, and small snakeskin vest he was wearing, he knew he looked cheap. But, as Banri said, a 'good, sexy kind of cheap.' As if that was any better.

Sanzo took a little bit of comfort in telling himself that prostitution was nothing more than sex that satisfied both party's needs.

Didn't mean he had to like it though.

He swallowed hard as a car approached, slowing down the closer it got to their corner.

Closing his eyes, he made a mantra in his head. _Please don't let them be old. Please don't let them be fat. Please don't let them be ugly. Please don't let them be old. Please don't let them be fat. Please don't let the-_

"_I'm really hoping this isn't what it looks like, you two." _A familiar voice spoke, interrupting his cycle of thought. Opening his eyes, he looked through the rolled down car window to see the familiar face of Shuei.

Only, for once, the man wasn't smiling.

_Busted._

* * *

A/N: Hey everybody. Sorry it took so long to get this chapter out... (for-fucking-ever, yes, I know) I've had a lot going on, moving into my college dorm and everything, so I haven't had time to do much typing. I know, lame excuse, but there you go. Honestly, I was going to put this on hold for a while, but I got this REALLY nice e-mail from Koroe-chan asking me to continue the story, and what could I do? I was totally sent on a guilt trip to hell.

Anyway, I got started the day after I got the message, which was actually weeks ago. Unfortunately, it had been so long since I had done anything for this story, typing it was rather similar to smashing my head against a brick wall. It was a painful and agonizing pastime that went very slowly with little getting done. But I'm finally finished, and actually feel a lot better. Whew. Anyway, I hope you enjoy, since the plot actually starts to pick up a bit. And yes, there is a main plot, even if I haven't quite gotten to it...

Oh, and, as always, REVIEWS ARE MY LIFE'S BLOOD AND MY ONLY REASON FOR LIVING - but are not demanded. Thank you.


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